Stockholm Syndrome.

If my wishes could come true, then you would know what are the words I am screaming at you behind my closed lips. If my dreams could come to life, then you would know what are the thoughts running through my head. If my prayers could be answered, then you would know what I mean...

I want to be blind so that I do not have to look at our photos when I burn them. I do not have to look at the places we used to go hand in hand to remind me of you. I want to be deaf so that I do not have to listen to anything you are bout to say to me. I do not have to listen to the songs we used to sing together. I want to be senseless so that I do not have to feel your presence...

It kills me to know that we have come to this. What did I do to deserve this? I gave you my heart and soul in everything that I do. You know this very well. I am the best you have ever owned. Yet, you keep treating me like dirt. I feel like I am your arch nemesis. I cannot believe you that this is the man I used to love. You hurt me so much. Non-stop. You wound me. Then you sew it back. When you see my sore ain't getting any better, you pish your finger right in. That is how it is. It has been so for a very long time. Yet, I put up with it all. I thought you could change...

I thought you could be the one for me. I thought you could be the one to love me. I thought you could be the man in my dreams when I was a little girl. I thought I could start a family with you. I thought you could be man enough to love me till the end of time. I thought that you will change some time sooner or later. I thought you still love me. and I thought wrong...

Do you know just how much I love you? );

You keep taking me for granted. You break my heart day and night with your endless cruelty. You get very abusive to me. You are extremely heartless. I told you time and time again that I will be there to help you but you just cannot seem to understand that I truly love you. I kept giving in to you. I tried my best to overlook your mistakes. I did all I could to reach out to you. But, you promised you would change and yet, you can never do. You have proven me that you are not the man I have loved 2 years ago, my dear );

I have lost the man I loved. I have lost the man who treasured my heart. I have lost the man who would cry just by seeing me cry. I have lost the man who will bleed if you know I have bled. I have lost the man who showed me the meaning of Love. I have lost the man who fought so hard for me. I have lost the man who did all that he could just to make me happy. I have lost the man who once loved me...I have lost you, Ben );

I wonder what would it take for you to genuinely change...

Maybe our separation can help you learn where you have went wrong and be a better man for someone else who can love you. I just do not feel that I can be that one anymore... );

P.S: I WILL DEARLY MISS YOU AND EVERYTHING WE USED TO DO TOGETHER );

We Like You Better When You Are Dead.

When will it all end?

You are the cruelest woman I have ever met. You tell lies day and night. You believe in them. You make them be a part of you. You are the most disgusting person I have ever come across. You make the world turn their backs against me with your pretense and mask that you put on till it becomes your skin. Your face is black just like your heart. Your heart is make of my misery and ashes of my once-found joy. You are indeed God's damnest creation from Hell. You do not deserve to live on this earth. Your presence lingers death of the roses in my room. Your aura is jet-black, just like your ugly breath that reeks endless withering of essence of Life. Your soul can never be pure for you have sinned more than Lucifer himself. Your curses poisons the air, just like your breath. You are nothing to me. You mean absolutely nothing, you stupid loathesome mother-fucking whore!

I tried my hardest just to please you. I did everything that you have ever wanted. I gave you everything you ever dreamed of. I am better than your other children. You know this very well, yet you take advantage of me...

You kill me day and night with your insanity of not being able to filter right and wrong. You have no self-control of your emotions and simply dump all of them on me. Because I am helpless and defenceless in your eyes. I am nothing to you. I can never understand just what the fuck do you really want from me nor will I ever want to. I am sick and tired of living here. With you...

Just because you lead a screwed up life, does not fucking give you any fucking right to mess mine up..

I will never let you win. 1 year has passed. Soon it will be gone. Just like the past 18 years. I will never let you get the best of me. I will never let you break me. I will never let you watch me bleed. I will never fall. I will never shed a tear for you. I will never care for you anymore. I will never love you anymore. I will cut off all ties with you. Give me 3 more years. Just 3 more mother-fucking years, you wretched woman. Yes, that is the only amount of time I need left now. You will be surprised just how fast time flies. It is just like a blink of an eye. Because that will be the day I will actually give you a taste of hell, you slut. I will never be there on your death bed. Perhaps I will, just to piss on your sickening wrinkled face...

You can never see what beauty there is inside of me. You refuse to. Just like you refuse to see just what a good daughter I am. Just what a talented girl I really am. Just how successful I can be in the future. Just how lovely it is to have me as your daughter. I had never done you wrong despite all the hell you gave me for the past 18 years. I can never forgive you for all that you have done to me. I can never. My heart is too sore to even look at you. I rather die than hearing your loathesome voice. I cannot stand being with you for another second. You belong to where the dirt, faeces, snakes and maggots reside. Your grave...

You are one twisted dick-head woman who ensures that I bleed to sleep as my lullaby. You make sure that everyone hates me here. You make everyone crazy and I end up with the tonnes of scars and bruises on my scrawny little body. Just what did I ever do to make you so mad?

P.S: I WILL MAKE YOU REGRET!!!

There & Back Again.

It has been a while and it will be a while too...

I do not know how much longer I can take. Walls keep crumbling down. Heart keeps getting broken. World keeps crashing down. Everything is always and forever a mess. Whenever I try to fix something, it gets worst. And when I let things be, it gets worst as well. What is the meaning of this?

I doubt I know what I once knew. I cannot even trust myself. I let myself down each time by bleeding on the floor or crying till blood stains my cheeks. It gets worst day and night. I wanna get out of this place. Fast. I have had enough of everyone's bullshit. I can feel my wings forming. Soon, I can take flight...

P.S: WHEN CAN YOU JUST FUCKING DIE AND ROT IN HELL, BITCH?!!!

Lose It.

I am losing hope again...

Shaking my head in dismay. So is my heart. Scarred. I wonder what did I do to make them so mad. How do I keep holding on when there is absolutely nothing to hold onto? Nobody to turn to. Nobody to love. Nobody to care. Nobody to bother bout. Nobody. Simply nobody...

My world keeps getting biting cold. And I wonder why again ):

Revenge Is Sweetest When Best Planned.

I think I know what you are...

You are a thief by night that steals all of my pleasant dreams that I once had bout my childhood. You are a con artist by day that deceit me into thinking that you can actually take wonderful care of me. You are a betrayer that stab me in the back each time I have my back facing you. You are a coward that simply stand aside just to watch me fall. You are a liar that trick me into choosing the wrong paths, only to know later that the way out I once thought was safe will jeopardize me most...

The night may be the darkest that the stars and moon refuse to shine, but I will not fail to see your true colors. The day may be the brightest that the glaring sun can burn my eyes, but I will not fail to know what kind of creature you really are...

P.S: YOU WILL REGRET ONE FINE DAY WHEN I DROWN YOU IN MY PAIN.

Boulevard Of Broken Dreams.

I tug on the strap of my rugged backpack. I steal a glance to the sky. I see a silver lining hidden in the mushroom cloud. I inhale deeply. The night is young but the air smells stale. Twigs crack beneath my sneakers. Leaves ruffle around my ankle as the gentle wind blows in my direction. I trip over the vines of the cemetery. I fall face down to the ground. I cry. But, I wipe my tears away. I brush off the dirt on my skirt. I think bout how you would fuse over this type of little things. I grin. This time, I walk along alone the boulevard of broken dreams...

I cannot reach out to you anymore, can I? );

I carry the weight of the world of my shoulders. I cannot carry on like this. I can barely stand up tall and proud, even with all of these scars on me. I finally realized that I got nobody. No one. Not a single soul will linger for me. But me...

P.S: I AM DYING IN YOUR ARMS. AGAIN );

The Forest Whispers My Name.

I close my eyes. Tears start to fall. There are so many things to cry about...

The world can be so cruel and cold, especially when I am all alone. It is worst than December winter nights. I stare at the path I have chosen. I used to think that at least there would be moonlight. There is nothing. Absolutely nothing. The trees surround me, overprotecting me. The night is starless and moonless. As usual. The ground just cannot wait to take me in. What's new?

A voice in my head tells me that I have lost you long ago. You just slip through my fingers like air. I watched you go without even realizing. You took my heart the other time and now, you took the very best of me with you too. I can't believe this is actually happening to me. It seems like I can't reach out to you anymore. Where have we gone wrong again? What have I done now? What's the matter again? Why won't you near me like before? Why can't you be gentle like the wind on my skin now? Why won't you listen to me like you used to? Why must there be so much uncertainties? Why must such insecurities and misery even exist in the first place?

I can't find a place in this world. Family is like vultures, attempting to prey on me with each move I make. Stab behind my back like I killed Halloween. Tear my heart out like a pack of wolves. Rip my skin like there is no more dinner tonight. Crush my hopes and dreams like they crush my skull in their endless beatings. Yet, I expected to be strong...

I am expected to do a lot of things that is simply impossible and unrationale for a sane human to do. I am supposed to be strong. I am supposed to make the right choices. I am supposed to give in. I am supposed to bow down to you. I am supposed to let you take advantage of me again. I am supposed to let you hit me anytime you wish. I am supposed to breathe just so you can have another day to make me cry till I bleed. I am supposed to be reasonable. I am supposed not to worry. I am supposed not to have any insecurities. I am supposed not to leave you. I am supposed not to be astray. I am supposed not to be me...

Even though it is not my fault, I am blamed. Even though it is not the words that came out of my mouth, I am penalized for life over it. Even though it is not what I meant, I am sodomized for it...

Why can't I just stop breathing? Why can't I just run away? Why can't I smile like I mean it? Why can't I stop pretending? Why can't I be strong? Why can't I be alive? Why can't I just bleed to death? Why can't I stop bleeding? Why can't I stop contradicting myself? Why can't I stop being confused? Why can't I just die in front of you?

What would you do if I slit my throat and take the secrets I kept to my grave? What would you do if I slit my wrists and take the poison that has been endlessly flowing in my system to the ground? What would you do if you know? What would you do?

Nobody gives a damn about me. Nobody ever cares about me. Everybody takes advantage of me. I am sick and tired of always feeling depressed. I just want to be normal. Somehow my wish seems out of this world. I just want to be happy too. I just want to be carefree, just like you. I just want to be cheered up, just like you. I just want you to love me, just like you. I just want to know that I got you in my life, now till the end time. I just want to know that you will never walk away with my heart again. I just want to know that you will never do me wrong again. I just want to know the truth behind your burning passion and desire for me. I just want to know if this will be all worthwhile between us. I just want to know what I don't...

You know that deep in your heart, I love you. Too much. There is nothing I would never do for you. Just name it and you got it. All I want in return is endless love for me, that will never have to make me cry and beg over it. Listen to me and be good to me. Yet, it seems to be hardest to get apparently. And I can't quite place my finger on this. You used to be...Impeccable. I felt no pain. I felt no sorrow. I felt no burden. I felt no regrets...

A part of me still believe we can work it out. I love you and you love me. Now and till the end of time. Nothing can come in our way ever again. There is nothing we have not gone through. We made it through it all before. So why not now?

P.S: I WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN WITH YOU );

Everybody's Fool.

Why must the simplest thing be hardest to get?

All I ever wanted was to stay alive. Breathe in ease. Bleed no more. Run away like the wind. Smile like I truly mean it. A heart that can never die. Yet, the odds of obtaining such simplicity are even higher than begging God for world peace. God. The cruel. The twisted. the conniving. The worst of them all. I thought He was supposed to heal me. I thought He was to strengthen me. Yet, the opposites came along...

My heart is dead. My eyes are swollen. My wrists are bleeding. My tongue is cut. My throat is slashed. My lungs have dried. My bones have broken. My limds are sawed. And I all I have left is memories of you and I in those golden days. Hope is still deep within me of knowing I can carry on forever. Faith still lingers like the ghost of you that we can make it through the night. Love still follows me like a shadow...

Ever Never.

Hiding under the cover creases will not do me any good anymore. Crying my heart out will not do me well anymore. Bleeding to death will not make me feel alive anymore...

If only each breath I exhale can erase my pain. If only each blink I make can cure me. If only each move I take can build me up. If only each tear dropped can strengthen me. If only each prayer done is answered. If only each time I die I get to live again...

I know everyone can see me. They hear me scream. They just watch. Each and everyone of them just stand there. Watching me fall. Watching me bleed. Watching me die. They think it is fun that I get whole and break down everyday and night. Sadistic dickheads...They never care. They never near. They never bother. They never tell the truth. They never love. They never treasure. They never appreciate. They never. Never...

Better Than Me.

I held the gun, trying to defend myself. I ended up shooting myself in the head...

I sat at the corner of the room, hugging my cut knees. Away from all the pieces on the floor. They reflected the light shining down on it all over the room. My feet were badly cut. So were my wrists and cheeks. My tears turned to blood. I could not stand the girl in the mirror. She was too ghastly for my sight and mind to comprehend. There was too much deceit going on. It was over whelming and so I punched my mirror. So many fragments shattered all over the floor. The mirror broke into a million pieces, just like my bones...

Nothing was ever the same. Faith has died. Innocence has been stained. Purity has been astrayed. Love has resorted to Hate...

The moonless sky stared down upon me. It refused to shine some light down on me, guiding me to the right path. Cruelty has gotten the best of it. It was not as if I deserved it, anyways. I knew I had let myself down. I knew I had been doing a truckful of killings that I should not have done in the first place. I knew I am in denial. I knew that I never knew I knew...

P.S: I KILLED THE BEST OF ME...