Beauty of Happiness Murdered Me.

Happiness is such a cruel torture device that God has intended for our hearts to suffer...

Why am I so deluded? Why am I so trusting? Why am I so stupid? Why am I so in denial? Why am I so blind? Why am I so weak? Why am I so silly? Why am I so fragile? Why am I so broken? Why am I so breathless? Why am I so filthy? Why am I so useless? Why am I so worthless? Why am I so dependant? Why am I so cut up? Why am I so alone? Am I too kind? Am I too nice? Am I too forgiving? Am I too soft? Am I too dead?

I wonder. I just sit and wonder. I wonder about a lot of things. I feel like I do not know myself anymore. I do not know how I am supposed to feel. I do not know what to believe now. I look at the mirror and it breaks into a million of pieces. I do not know if that is an omen or not. I do not know a lot of things...

Why can't everybody even you leave me alone?

I am so exhausted from Life. It requires so much work. Who knew Life could be such a bitch? And to think I am supposed to believe in a God that does not listen nor help. What a joke. God is so conniving. He creates me for nothing, dumps me on this barren heath and watches me suffer from up above. I bet he is having fun right now. Mother fucker. You know what will be funny? It is when I stuff my foot down your throat and see what you are going to do about it. Or how about I stuff my foot up your asshole? Which do you prefer, cheesedick? Bastard. YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!! And if God could be like this, how bout mere human beings that are so full of weakness, hatred and hypocrisy? Shit fuckers...

Evil. Everyone is evil. No one is nice. No one. Not even you. You love to watch me fall. You love to put salt in my opened wounds. You love to hurt me on purpose. You love to go against me. You love to stab me from the back. You love to give me false hopes. You love to crush my dreams You love to make me cry. You love to see me convulse in agony. You love for all the wrong reasons...

What is Life? I got no idea what that is anymore...

Can you just stop the games you are playing now because I am very tired? Can you put a bullet in my head so that I can stop thinking why I am a born loser? Can you stab me in the face so that I do not have to see myself in pain again? Can you push me over the ledge so that I can take one last horror of Life before I go to Hell ? Can you slit my throat so that I can take my secrets with me? Can you watch me fall so you know what I mean?

P.S: Can you let me?

Red Sam.

Here I stand. Empty hands. I wish my wrists were bleeding. So that I can stop the pain from the beatings...

I tape my windows and doors to sound-proof my world. I splash dark paint all over these four walls. I look at my bed. The cover creases have been stained in red. It was not paint. I look away in disdain. I sit at a corner. I cry my heart out. I scream as loud as I can. Nobody can hear me. Nobody wants to near me...

I take the blade and start to slash all part of me. Yet, I refuse to die. I refuse to drain my life out. I can only afford to bleed. I refuse. I refuse. I refuse. Why?

I should have known better. It is you, sweetheart. You are the reason why I still wanna hold my head up high and smile. You are the reason why I still wanna get my feet on the ground and put up a fight. You are the reason why I still have oxygenated blood in me. You are the reason why I love you...

P.S: I WANNA LOVE YOU TILL THE END OF TIME.

Outta My Head.

When will you get out of my life?

I am sick of having violent morbid images playing over and over at the back of my head. It seems like the more I do not talk about it, the more impossible it gets for me to be normal. I am tired of seeing blood everywhere. I am done...

Will it all end when I shoot you right in the head? Will it all end when I stab you in the face? Will it all end when I piss at your deathbed? Will it all end if I end my life?

Everyday.

We have grown old with time. We have come so far to understand things that nobody can. There are so many tears have been shed. So much pain has been erased. So many smiles seen. So much joy felt. So much freedom known. So many beautiful memories created with your hand in mine...

You are a part of me. You will always belong to me. You are safely locked in my well-fixed heart. You are the one I have been searching for. You are the man in my dreams when I was a little girl. You are the angel who has been watching over me. Your love for me is bigger than this world and you are greater than God himself..

It is such a wonderful feeling to have found my lifeline at such a ripe age. I am so glad that it is you that I am sharing my precious moments with. I cannot think of anyone better to spend these happy times with...

P.S: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN TODAY & I MISS YOU MORE THAN I DID YESTERDAY.

Nymphetamine.

You are just like a pill; instead of making me better; you are making me ill. You are indeed my drug and I am the abuser...

Your eyes are meant to look after me. They are not to burn the soul that is inside of me. Your lips are supposed to kiss me tenderly. They are not to hurt me with those mean words that I never knew existed. Your hands are made to hold me tight through those cold nights. They are not to beat me senseless. Your heart is meant to make me whole. It is not to break me into a million pieces. Your mind is to think of ways to be a better person for me. It is not to think of other ways to tear me apart. Your head is to replay our beautiful memories created. It is not to be a weapon onto mine...

My eyes are meant to look after you. They are not to shed so much tears till blood start to stain my cheeks. My lips are supposed to kiss you tenderly. They are not to quiver in fear. My hands are made to hold you tight through those cold nights. They are not to be sliced. My heart is to make you whole. It is not to be full; only to know that it will be shattered in time to come. My mind is to think of ways to be a better person for you. It is not to be hurt of so many unanswered questions of why you have to treat me this way. My head is to replay our beautiful memories created. It is not to be banged against the wall till my skull cracks...

I need you more than anything in this world. You are the reason why I wake up in the morning. You are why I breathe. You are why blood is still flowing in my veins. You are why I found myself again. You are why I am who I am today. You are why I smile. You are why I laugh. You are why I feel safe. You are why I feel belonged. You are why I know what Love is all about...

Come on. Show me the man who is more than an angel that is incarcerated in you. Show me the man who means the world to me. Show me the man who is far more greater than God himself. Show me the man who I am living for. Show me the man who I cannot live without. Show me the man who I wanna grow old with. Show me the man who is the only one for me. Show me the man who truly loves me. Show me the man who I have been waiting for all my life. Show me you...

P.S: I STILL LOVE YOU.

Bleed No More.

I am no longer ashamed of myself. I am no longer afraid of my reflection. I am no longer disgusted by my existence. I am no longer weak. I am no longer breathless. I am no longer emotionally drained. I am no longer what they used to think I was. I am no longer one of them. I am no longer lost. I am no longer confused. I am no longer abandoned. I am no longer broken. I am no longer dead...

You rejuvenated me. You fixed me. You lifted me. You fed me. You breathed into me. You poured blood into my mouth. You gave me a heart that was greater than God. You directed my spirit back to my hollow body.You mended my wings and made me fly. You took great care of me. You protected me. You loved me...

I love you with all of my heart. Even when I die, our love will carry on. Let these words be written on our graves. We shall be the demolition lovers that will scar their hearts...

P.S: IF YOU WERE EVER OUT OF MY LIFE FOR EVEN JUST A MINUTE, I WILL END ME.
I LOVE YOU, SWEETHEART...

All For You.

Pairs are ordained in Heaven. Love is meant for you and I...

I love you with all my heart. I have never felt this way before. I am so mesmerized by a glance. I am so hypnotized by a kiss. I am so belonged by a hug. I am so into you. You truly are one of a kind.You are everything I know. You are everything I have. You are everything I want to be. You are everything I care about. You are everything I need. You are all that I am today...

Just know that every move I make is for us. Every step I take is to near you. Every breath I take is to love you...

Silence Kills You.

Hey, haven't you heard?

I hate you. I hate each and everyone of you. I despise your being. I loathe the sight of you. You are the creature from the damnest Hell ever existed. You are a monster from a child's nightmare. You are my living nightmare. You are Lucfier's next of kin. You are the one that I have been hunting. You are the one I have been aiming. You are the one I have been targeting. You are the one I have been killing...

I am far too strong for you now. You can no longer break me down. You can no longer tear me apart. You can no longer eat me up inside. Your days are long gone. Just like you. It is so disgusting to share the same fucking blood type as you. This can't be happening...

In any case, I am done healing. And there is nothing you can do about it...

Far Behind.

Am I emotionally drained?

Maybe it is my fault. I love you too much. I nurture you far too long. I care for you too deeply. I bother about you more than myself. I treasure you more than Life. I hold onto you far too tightly and now I end up hurting myself. You are right. As always. I need to stop blaming you. I really should. I am feeling this way cause of my own actions. I deserve all the blood shed. I deserve all the pain felt. I deserve all the tears cried. I deserve all the time alone. I deserve all the moments in the ashes...

I guess I am born to be this way. I am not supposed to know what Happiness is all about. I am not meant to understand what true Love is. I am not to near the Garden of Eden. I am not to do a lot of things. And perhaps loving somebody was one of them...

Higinia.

Things are just not the same anymore...

I am doing my best to patch the holes that I see. Let me do that. I am doing my best to pick up the pieces that I left behind. Help me do that. I am doing my best to make it through the day. Let me do that. I am doing my best to stop bleeding. Help me do that. I am doing my best to be happy. Let me do that. I am doing my best to help you. Help me do that. I am doing my best to breathe. Let me do that. I am doing my best to care for you. Help me do that. I am doing my best to hold onto you. Let me do that. I am doing my best to love you. Help me do that...

Why must you, of all people, hurt me too?

Yes. You do carry the world for me. But hey, the weight is on my shoulders. You have my heart in your hands. But hey, the breath is out of me. You took my hand. But hey, the sorrow is deepening within me. Do you know that when you hurt me I die? This is because you are the only one that I got and you just have to knife me from behind...

I should have known better. After all, you are still just another human being...

P.S: I WILL NOT BE AS NICE AS I WAS TO YOU CAUSE YOU DO NOT FUCKING DESERVE IT.