Tourniquet.

I want to die...

Why must Mom & Dad treat me like this? What have I ever done to deserve this bullshit I'm getting every fucking day from my very own blood-parents? They don't understand me. And I don't comprehend them. They make my life so miserable nowadays. Why do they hate me so much? Why are they always in denial? I can't believe these are the people I used to love and turn to...

My eyes hurt so much from crying. My wrists hurt so much from bleeding. My hands hurt so much from punching the mirrors. My heart hurts so much cus everytime it becomes whole again, words smash my heart. My poor poor heart. My breathing is turning into wheezing. My minds hurt so much from these morbid thoughts in my head. I keep thinking and thinking kills me. It brings about thousand and one contradicting thoughts to me. How do I not cave in?

There is nothing new everyday. I had done my part to change and try to be a better person. But they kept taking and never giving. I can't simply back down anymore. I can't bend and break for them. Why should I?

I want to kill everyone who has hurt me. Especially my family. There is so much hatred for them in me. There are so much violent thoughts tempting me to take the knife and cut them up. As we watch the blood flowing out of their skin, I live. I am trying to hard to fight. Fight my fears. Fight for myself. Fight for those who actually love me. Fight against these black thoughts in my head. But for how long can I fight?

I want to run away from it all and start anew. But where can I go? I know I sound like a wimp now but I really can't help it. All the dear ones I truly love has gone so far away from me. Why must they leave me too? We all have to play pretend that everything is fine. Don't they know faking makes situation even worse?

I really mis my B. I miss him so much. Things are so different with him not hanging round here anymore. I guess I shouldn't be too dependent on him. But I can't help it. He always advises me and he speaks logically. I miss him so much. I wish he could see this. I really really do miss him. Life hasn't been kind to me but normally he'd be round to guide me. I feel so lost and abandoned. It's not his fault. Perhaps it's mine. It has always been mine...

CAN ANYONE HELP ME?