Grass Is Always Greener On The Other Side.

I have no idea just how I should thank Sham for everything that he has said to me. Though they are just words, his words help. Alot. I really appreciate his time and effort on silly me. Thank you so very much, Sham. I really mean it. And if you were to see this, just know that I'm extremely grateful to you.

So far I have kept my promise not only to him but to a handful of good chaps...

I haven't been cutting myself silly and such. I promised I'd stop and hell yeah I did. Woot woot for it. Yay I feel so much better today.

My B is back. Although he won't stay long, at least there is comfort in knowing that he'd be round. Gosh...I never knew I'd miss everything that used to be this much. Hell it sucks...

Today was much better. I do not know why but I'm glad I feel much much much better woo hoo!!! I think it's bout time I should start focusing on my freaking studies!!! I have been slacking so very much. ARGH!!!

Lose It.

I give up. I really give up.

I want your heart to sing with pain. I want you to die in front of me. I want to you to squeal in horror as you feel I drain your life out of you. I want to torture you. I want to abuse you.

I want to give up on myself too. But I can't. I am so alone. I am so afraid. No one is there for me ): I need someone to stop me. I am getting out of control .

I wasn't so fucked up like this. Why why why???

I HATE YOU!
I WILL ALWAYS HATE YOU!!!
GO AND ROT IN HELL YOU SONS OF BITCHES!!!

Tourniquet.

I want to die...

Why must Mom & Dad treat me like this? What have I ever done to deserve this bullshit I'm getting every fucking day from my very own blood-parents? They don't understand me. And I don't comprehend them. They make my life so miserable nowadays. Why do they hate me so much? Why are they always in denial? I can't believe these are the people I used to love and turn to...

My eyes hurt so much from crying. My wrists hurt so much from bleeding. My hands hurt so much from punching the mirrors. My heart hurts so much cus everytime it becomes whole again, words smash my heart. My poor poor heart. My breathing is turning into wheezing. My minds hurt so much from these morbid thoughts in my head. I keep thinking and thinking kills me. It brings about thousand and one contradicting thoughts to me. How do I not cave in?

There is nothing new everyday. I had done my part to change and try to be a better person. But they kept taking and never giving. I can't simply back down anymore. I can't bend and break for them. Why should I?

I want to kill everyone who has hurt me. Especially my family. There is so much hatred for them in me. There are so much violent thoughts tempting me to take the knife and cut them up. As we watch the blood flowing out of their skin, I live. I am trying to hard to fight. Fight my fears. Fight for myself. Fight for those who actually love me. Fight against these black thoughts in my head. But for how long can I fight?

I want to run away from it all and start anew. But where can I go? I know I sound like a wimp now but I really can't help it. All the dear ones I truly love has gone so far away from me. Why must they leave me too? We all have to play pretend that everything is fine. Don't they know faking makes situation even worse?

I really mis my B. I miss him so much. Things are so different with him not hanging round here anymore. I guess I shouldn't be too dependent on him. But I can't help it. He always advises me and he speaks logically. I miss him so much. I wish he could see this. I really really do miss him. Life hasn't been kind to me but normally he'd be round to guide me. I feel so lost and abandoned. It's not his fault. Perhaps it's mine. It has always been mine...

CAN ANYONE HELP ME?

Origin.

Time passes me by without a single care. I stand out in the cold with wind blowing through my hair. I wonder what happened to those promises made that he would be there....

Something is definitely not right. I can feel a huge hole in my heart. And I don't even know where it came from or how it got there. Why must it always has to be me and only me? I'm sick and tired of going through my life alone. Everything is in a mess. I know I wasn't like this before. I wish I knew where I came from..Can I?

Anywhere.

I dreamt of a place where I could forget how to cry. I was flying sky-high. I remembered how happiness tasted like. There was nothing I fear. I saw you there too. You were with me. Holding my hand in yours, you stood by my side. I prayed so very hard for the moment not to disappear, but that was Life for me. I never get whatever i want....

I don't know why she must treat me like this. I know I can be a handful at times but I'm sure I don't deserve shit like this from her to this large extent. It's really ridiculous. I don't feel safe at home. So much emotional insecurities...So much bullshit...

God typing crap here feels like I'm talking to my conscience who has long abandoned me. Why?

Last Train Home.

Not even a day had went by and i missed him. When he leaves, he takes a part of me too. Maybe I need to wake up and realise that not everybody tastes fairy tale as perfect as Cinderella or Snow White. Now I know why perfection in fairy tales exist; they are tales. Tales that are never meant to go wrong. Tales that are suppose to tell you things that you wanna hear.

I wish day and night I could be with him. I had done all I could to save us. I did my best to stay alive but he drowned me. He left me here all on my own. He lied. He killed me. Two years have gone by and I thought I was gonna be fine. But hell no. I still longed for so long to hold him. Silly silly me...

There are always something different going on. How am I supposed to keep up with the pace? I feel so alone. It is as if I am abandoned here for a reason. But what the fuck is it?!!! How long does it takes for everyone to see I'm no longer breathing? I am tired of waiting in vain. Yes. I can wait. But I can't wait forever...