Beauty of Happiness Murdered Me.

Happiness is such a cruel torture device that God has intended for our hearts to suffer...

Why am I so deluded? Why am I so trusting? Why am I so stupid? Why am I so in denial? Why am I so blind? Why am I so weak? Why am I so silly? Why am I so fragile? Why am I so broken? Why am I so breathless? Why am I so filthy? Why am I so useless? Why am I so worthless? Why am I so dependant? Why am I so cut up? Why am I so alone? Am I too kind? Am I too nice? Am I too forgiving? Am I too soft? Am I too dead?

I wonder. I just sit and wonder. I wonder about a lot of things. I feel like I do not know myself anymore. I do not know how I am supposed to feel. I do not know what to believe now. I look at the mirror and it breaks into a million of pieces. I do not know if that is an omen or not. I do not know a lot of things...

Why can't everybody even you leave me alone?

I am so exhausted from Life. It requires so much work. Who knew Life could be such a bitch? And to think I am supposed to believe in a God that does not listen nor help. What a joke. God is so conniving. He creates me for nothing, dumps me on this barren heath and watches me suffer from up above. I bet he is having fun right now. Mother fucker. You know what will be funny? It is when I stuff my foot down your throat and see what you are going to do about it. Or how about I stuff my foot up your asshole? Which do you prefer, cheesedick? Bastard. YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!! And if God could be like this, how bout mere human beings that are so full of weakness, hatred and hypocrisy? Shit fuckers...

Evil. Everyone is evil. No one is nice. No one. Not even you. You love to watch me fall. You love to put salt in my opened wounds. You love to hurt me on purpose. You love to go against me. You love to stab me from the back. You love to give me false hopes. You love to crush my dreams You love to make me cry. You love to see me convulse in agony. You love for all the wrong reasons...

What is Life? I got no idea what that is anymore...

Can you just stop the games you are playing now because I am very tired? Can you put a bullet in my head so that I can stop thinking why I am a born loser? Can you stab me in the face so that I do not have to see myself in pain again? Can you push me over the ledge so that I can take one last horror of Life before I go to Hell ? Can you slit my throat so that I can take my secrets with me? Can you watch me fall so you know what I mean?

P.S: Can you let me?

Red Sam.

Here I stand. Empty hands. I wish my wrists were bleeding. So that I can stop the pain from the beatings...

I tape my windows and doors to sound-proof my world. I splash dark paint all over these four walls. I look at my bed. The cover creases have been stained in red. It was not paint. I look away in disdain. I sit at a corner. I cry my heart out. I scream as loud as I can. Nobody can hear me. Nobody wants to near me...

I take the blade and start to slash all part of me. Yet, I refuse to die. I refuse to drain my life out. I can only afford to bleed. I refuse. I refuse. I refuse. Why?

I should have known better. It is you, sweetheart. You are the reason why I still wanna hold my head up high and smile. You are the reason why I still wanna get my feet on the ground and put up a fight. You are the reason why I still have oxygenated blood in me. You are the reason why I love you...

P.S: I WANNA LOVE YOU TILL THE END OF TIME.