Two Faced.

I am starting to realize my mistake. I fear it to be grave. I know I had asked for all of this. But always? No. I don't think do. You should be blamed for my tears that keep falling down my face. You have to bear the shame for my blood that is flowing out of my hands :(

You looked straight into my eyes and promised me the world. Wow...How you blew me away...And I thought that was how Love was suppose to feel. Hell. I'm so wrong. I feel so deceived for all the things you had promised to me. How will I know you're being true to me? How will I know you're being you and that I'm loving the right guy?

How can I trust you when you tell me different stories all the time? I'm so disappointed in you. You managed to hurt me best. I'm overtly impressed by your words. You're getting as cold as death and I'm beginning to feel a wall everytime I try to reach for your hands. Am I imagining things? I doubt it. It is real. This time. It is real...

Why am I falling down so far away from Help? Now, I can barely see the sky. My clarity has been blocked. And now I am engulfed in utter darkness. I fucking cared too much for you. You just seem to be throwing all of it away, like free money to richest people in the world. Now, things seem to back fire. You're starting to push your finger into my opened wounds. Why are you starting to be this way? You're not the man I used to know. I used to love... ):

Under The Oak Tree.

Seashells are plenty. They may not be in sight. Some are just below the surface, just like the agony that has been living under my skin. And some are trapped deep below the vast sand. Hidden. Completely unnoticed. Perhaps assumed gone...

But I know I had tried hardest. That is why I had found him. Gladly. I dug as much as I could. My blood, sweat and tears are all paying off now. And I love him.

The rarest breed. The one in a million. The shinniest diamond that has ever been discovered is wrapped around in my fingers. And hell. I will take good care of it. The way I have always been over the years...

For One More Day.

He may seem so strong on the outside. He may seem so tough in his words. But, this is just a facade. He is just a little boy who deserves the love he should be receiving after all the years that have waste him.

Impulsiveness got the best of me one night. I almost let his world caved in. I didn't know what I was thinking. Everything but straight. I was all messed up. I jumped into ugly conclusions and hypothetically I fired him with false accusations. Any reasons that were given to me were like bullets missing the target that was on my face.

I took a few steps back. I realized you're such an impeccable piece masterpiece. The ingenius art of God. I love you. No matter the strength of the turbulence that may hit us, I will be standing here, waiting for you to come running into my arms for safety.

People will never understand us. They actually can if they want to. Sadly, they chose not to. And I don't give a shit to that. We don't have to tell anyone what Fate has in stored for us in the future. They only hold us down. Anchors. Tsk-tsk. I hate them...

Take Your Pain & Shove It Up Your Asshole.

Don't bother bitching to me bout how much I've let you down. Don't bother complaining bout how much I've hurt you. Cus the day will come where you'd be on your knees begging for Mercy that I shall not pardon...

You can get the fuck out of my face. You gotta hang around, trying your best to infect me with your disease. Well news flash honey, I won't be plagued!!!

Do whatever you have to. I can't give a damn. Come in my way and die. I will break you. I swear I will. Watch me, bitch...

Apologize.

Cruel intentions run through my mind. I should not be thinking like this even. Why?

Never expected myself to be blinded. But fuck . I am. I hate it. What should I do now that my sight is gone? My sanity abandoned me too ): Why oh why must you do this to me? How can you over react and began to lose yourself? ):

I hate you when you do these things to me. I don't deserve this. If this were to continue, which it had everytime we quarrel, I don't know what else I should do. I don't wanna leave you. Please don't tempt me.

As much as I try to vision you as impeccable as the angels above us, I can't. I know I got my flaws too. But I don't use this as an excuse to behave in the manner that you do, right?

I am so disappointed in you. As I drown in my sorrow, I'd think bout if all this were a big mistake in the first place )':

Numbing Your Karma.

So another day passed me by. Yet, there is no difference cus I am still wishing I can die. No matter what I do, people try to pry my heart open and break my shell. There goes my wishful thinkings, right out of the window...

All along I tried playing their game. I assumed to like them. But hell, what good will it do?

Seemed like imposing reverse psychology would not work out. So I suppose I gotta think of new ways to turn the tables round. It is just a matter of time they will be kissing my ass. Cheap dicks... I hate you guys.

At Least I Know I Am A Sinner.

Leave me alone. Get the fuck out of my face, you creep!

I'm so sick of what you want me to do. I'm so tired of giving in to you. I'm so effed up of tying to please you. You're one hell of a mother fucker, do you know this? God damn. I hate you so fucking much.

I'm so thankful for being imperfectly perfect. And hey, at least I'm aware I'm a sinner. How bout you? You think you got the world revolving around you. You're such a freak. You think you're superior. You're so complacent, you fool. I had enough of taking in your bullshit.

Everything is NOT said and done. Stop turning your back to me, cus it's my turn to speak now, you bitch. I feel so sorry for you. I'm so fucking annoyed with you. Gee, when the fuck will you change? You're so horrible, just like the rest.

To think I needed time to distinguish you among the rest. God...Why must you do this to me? When will this end?! ARGH!!!

Farewell.

Nona nona. Be thankful I'm dedicating something for you here. This shall be my one and for all for you, Missy. Be glad that at least someone is doing something for you. You're like so pathetic.

And hey, everyone is a hypocrite. It is just a matter of how much of hypocrisy is being revealed before you can even identify it is hypocrisy. You're so naive, do you know that? I don't care what the fuck you had went through. I had enough with you. By the way, do you even know what friendship means?

Come to think of it, maybe I had the heart to be friends with you cus I pitied you. I did it out of sympathy. Look around you for Fuck's sake. All the people you acknowledged as friends fucking back stabbed you and left you in the lurch. But I knew I didn't do that to you. I had always stood beside you, but you seemed to be taking advantage of my trusted heart.

People like you don't deserved to be nice at. You so don't deserve my attention. Fuck. I wasted 4 years on you. I'm so stupid. Why did I bother? ):

Silly silly me, I must say. You're meant to be a loner, Nona. If you're gonna continue treating people who really care for you the way you treat me, you might as well dig a hole to hide your shame. Cus I find you disgusting. You're so worthless.

Forget it. I ain't gonna brood over it. You have a good life. And hell yeah, I mother-fucking know I'm the best...God damned you. Wait, you have already been damned. I regret being friends with you. It is fine. I know who you are now. And I hate you, friend ):

P.S: You're such a loser. Start living with it.

Jump.

I'm glad that we're two sides of one beating heart. Life is so good when we know nothing can tear us apart...

We have been through alot; with or without each other. It doesn't feel like it has been months we have been together. I know how I had lived my life straight back then before knowing you. If we were to turn back time, I would prolly paint a portrait of an angel with my eyes closed. It would be easy to do cus I love you.

I will sleep with a smile plastered on my face. I will sleep with beautiful dreams invading my resting head. I will sleep with perfect visions of us holding hands.

It is wrong to describe just how happy I am now. Words really cannot explain this feeling I am feeling deep inside of me. I am lost of words...

There For You.

I wish to be someone that you can always come to...

As I wipe the bloodied tears off my cheeks, I think of you. As I pick myself from the floor, I think of you. As I fight my fears, I think of you. As I sleep, I think you. No matter what happens to me, I think of you only...

And I swear...Come what may. I will be there for you just as strong as you can for me. I will be there for you when you're petriefied. I will be there for you when you're happy. I will be there for you when you're broken. I will be there for you when you're abandoned...

Never ever say you're abandoned. Cus I had found you. Never ever say you're lonely. Cus I have always been by your side. Never ever say you're scared. Cus I had fought all of your fears. Never ever say you'd lose me one day. Cus I had given my whole self to you.

Look at your hand. Tell me what do you see. Isn't that my beating heart?

I have so much more to give. Just give me time. Give us time. Everything will be better. Everybody can tell us this is wrong. But we both know what we are doing. So we will prove them. Prove to the world just how much we need each other.

And I love you. Till the end of time...

Friend Or Foe.

Friends. What does that mean?

Are they ones that I'm supposed to hold onto throught the good and the bad? Are they the ones that I'm supposed to turn to for help? Are they the ones to cheer me up when I'm feeling lousy? Are they the ones to lead me to the right direction? Are they the ones I'm supposed to put hopes in? Are they the ones I'm supposed to trust?

Or are they to leave me in the lurch? Or are they to abandon me in times of hardship? Or are they to just come and go anytime they please? Or are they to disappoint me with pretense and empty promises?

I grow old as days pass me by. Maturity accompanies me. Now I am wise enough to see what lies before my very eyes...

This isn't any jealousy statement. This is a confession of certain people I had assumed as friends. Now what does that really mean? Names will not be mentioned here. I am aware they visit my page without my knowledge. Hence, precautions shall be taken...

However, bottomline is that it is time for me to toughen up and move on. I wanna leave you guys behind and thanks for acting like you cared. Thanks for wasting your time on me over the years. Thanks for making me believe you are really my good friends; even soul sisters. Gosh...I feel so stupid and cheated. God-damn you people; with every pun intended...

Curses.

I thought she loved me. I thought she was the best thing in my life, besides him...

She is never there when I am scared. She is never there to give a helping hand. She is never there when I am lonely.

Breathe Today.

I loaded my gun. It felt heavy. Bullets were set and ready for fire. I mustered courage for one last time. I kicked the door opened. There they were...Sleeping...Dreaming...Motionless...Full of life in every breath they took...

I could not stand the sight of them being alive anymore. I pointed my gun to their heads. I pulled my trigger. I shot them one by one. I watched their lives drain out, accompanied by their blood. I had a grin plastered on my face. Satisfaction consumed me. I smiled...

Can anybody stop me before I kill again, maybe tonight?

God..What am I now? I don't recognize myself anymore. I dream more than often, only that they get wilder and wilder. I am startled by clarity. It all seemed so real. I am scared of myself. I am no longer aware of reality. I do not know the meaning of violence. Well, I didn't know initially. But now, it appears like I am God and I have lives in my hands today...

They may have bruised me. They may have broke me. They may have drained me. They may have whacked me. They may have tortured me. They may have raped me. But they still failed to kill me...

My bones are bent but not broken. They try smashing my heart with hurtful words, but it won't break. My eyes are dried but not gone; I am still alert in knowing what kind of creatures they are. My hands are running out of blood but I am still alive. Breathing is difficult for me, but at least I can still breathe.

I do not need them. Worthless monsters. I hate all of you!!

Right now, I have known who the fuck they are. I know the truth now. I know what they are now. I know Happiness now...

I still have him...He cares for me more than anyone else. More than I do for myself. He has so much love in him and I have so much to give to him...

Although he is never near me, I can feel him all around me. I love this feeling. I will hold onto what I'm feeling forever. I had never feel so alive in my life. He saved me. He really did. I give my hand to him. He can take it now. He can start to own me all that I am...

I Am Done Healing.

Stop lying to me bout caring for me. Stop lying bout loving me. Stop lying bout being there for me. Stop lying bout being forward-looking for me. Stop lying bout living...

Don't try to fix me. I'm not broken. Can't you see? Wait, what do you see? In your eyes, I'm nothing. You think I can't make it on my own. You think I can't live without you. Har-har...

Can a heart still break although it has stopped beating?

I dread breathing. I dread living. Why must it be me? I tried to be positive, but it has never been easy on me. My life is miserable. The blame is always on me. Isn't it unfair? Why must they be so cruel?

I was never like this before. What made me evolved till I'm stating to devoid humanity in me?

Wild thoughts are getting more and more vivid till I'd take a step back to figure out if they are even real. I am scaring myself. I don't know who to trust. Will I betray me?

Losing My Religion.

I'm missing him more and more as days pass me by. My addiction is getting deeper and I just came to know that my condition has worsen...

My head can't stop thinking bout him. My eyes can't stop visioning him everywhere I go. My nose can't stop smelling his sweet sweet fragrance surrounding. My mouth can't stop talking bout him and the taste of his lingers in mine now. My ears can't stop hearing his voice all the time...

Am I getting illusional as I'm seeing the love of my life in every corner in my room?

I have completely lost myself but I don't mind. I have to admit that you have conquered me wholly and I love you doing that to me. I love you so much. I thought I'd never love someone as deeply as I do for you now. It is really inevitable to deny you are the only one for me...

Try.

Reality checks in and I feel like someone just slapped my face without me noticing it. Fine. I sound extra dramatic here. But I can't help it and I'm consumed by paranoia ):

So he has to go. For a long time. Not very long, but long enough for me to go insane and brood bout it for days till I get to see him again. This won't be happening soon. But it still will be taking place. I guess I gotta prepare myself mentally that he has to go for a good reason. Well for a mother fucking pathetic one actually.

Fuck patriotism. It is taking him away from me. I know that even if he were here, it is not as if we see each other alot as well. Fuck parenthood and bla-bla ): But the though of him being so faraway from me is driving me up against the wall. What if this and what if that are flooding my mind. It won't be long till I'd go berserk...

It is a matter of trust. I do trust him. Fuck lots of faith in him have been invested. I know I won't be let down but the feeling of fear...Fear. Fear is always in the mind. And the mind is the most powerful tool in the universe. This sucks. To get over my fear is to face it. And with cowardice engulfing me, I think I'm gonna have a hard time to overcome it. I guess I just have to try...

Everything Burns.

If he were to be dolorous, I'd be the one crying my heart out. If he were to be flying sky-high, I'd be up in the Heavens. If he were to be in interminable pain, I'd be the one bleeding...

If they hurt him, they hurt me too. Why is it so difficult to leave the both of us aside? Is this what God has in stored for us a long time ago? Then I rather die than suffer every awakening moment to find out what Fate has for the two of us...

People Do The Dumbest Things...

Some of my friends are so desperate. I'd prefer to disclose names here cus though this is a "personal" blog, it is "aired" in the INTERNET. Hence, I'm aware there is absolutely NO privacy available. However, I'd use initials of certain names. If they ever come across here and feel as if they are the ones being mentioned, then so be it. I'm trying best here to be as discreet as I can so their feelings can be saved, I think.

J is so needy. I'm really astounded to know this. She really let me down. I thought she was someone I could look up to. But I guess I'm much more mature than she can ever be. I don't get it. Why must she return to D despite all the shit he has done to her? Yes, I do understand people make mistakes. But would you forgive and forget someone who has almost cost you your life, love, trust, faith, money, time and tears? -A BIG FAT NO TO ME...

Come on man...Love doesn't have to hurt. It is supposed to touch us for one time in our hearts and meant to last for a lifetime. If things don't work, then it ain't Love, honey. You two aren't made for each other. Why can't you just see? Blinded much huh...

All About Us.

Who are others to judge what's right and wrong bout you and I? Who are others to tell us what to do and what not to do? Who are others to influence us with their mere opinions?..

If they are so great and skilled in advising people, I suggest they go take a hike over there. Their lives aren't straightened out yet and they got the balls to fucking direct us how to lead our lives? What the fuck is this maddness?

Am I over-reacting? I don't think so. But I know I'm seriously upset bout this whole people-thinking-they're-right-and-others-are-so-like-whatever thing. I can't care much if some feelings are bruised here cus of my sharp words. But personally, I feel you people deserved it. This is what you fucking get for fucking poking your fucking nose in MY fucking business...

My decisions are mine and my choices are mine as well. Don't say you care of my well-being or that you're worried for me. Cus I see that more of an excuse than a reason. It is so freaking ridiculous why you are so involved in my relationship with him.

I'm heavily affected and infected with their crap cus you people are important in his life. This is why I fucking mind so deeply whatever you have to say to him, and especially bout him and I. So please...really..get a life of your own and start minding your own businesses so I don't have to be overtly annoyed and pissed off with you. Thank you for your "kind understanding."

Perceptions Are Often Misleading.

Perceptions perceptions. Tsk-tsk that word simply disgusts me. People...When the fuck will you all fucking get real? Can you define me your understanding of that word? Wait, I think better not cus I'd prolly laugh at your nonsensical logic. Let me help you by saving your face so let me say : FUCK YOUR FUCKING OPINIONS!..

Gee, I had never knew Love has conditions. Is this the new fucked up law of the 21st century or something? Cus otherwise, I think you people are full of bullshit up in your silly empty skulls. Must I work and earn decent cash before I can love a soul? Must I be at an older age of perhaps 21 or so to fall in love? Must I have my own crib to love him? Must I have my own ride to care bout someone? Must I have fredom to love anyone?

No. I don't fucking have to. What is Love? Ask yourself. Is it a necessity or a criteria?

I love him cus it is so obvious that we share a love that is a true. It is so pure and innocent. Both of us promised not to taint it with deceit, lust and whatsoever. Why is it so hard for them to comprehend the beauty of Love? Has Love been given too many bad names? But hey, that isn't our fault, but it's others who had stained Love's reputation.

And I don't care bout him cus I feel lonely. Love is not bout ending loneliness and dumping crap on your partners. It is bout being there whereever and whenever for your loved ones. It is bout always offering a helping hand before your partner has to ask. It is bout catching your partner when you see him/her falling. It is bout togetherness and pride of owning such a beautiful relationship REGARDLESS of anything else, even objections...

I don't give a shit to what people have to say bout him and I. What is most important is US!! Nothing will tear us apart. Nothing can come in between. I will do all that I can to ensure that he will always be in my sight and never out of it. It is not others who are loving him now. It is me and me only.

And hey, if you're reading this, please know that I want you to appreciate me alot cus I truly love you. Now and forever, I vow to always do that for you. I know you told me over and over that you don't care what your silly immature friends gotta say bout you and I, but please don't deny that you are affected. If you don't tell me this, I'd so know cus I believe I know you best. And I'm scared that it may pollute and confuse your feelings for me as well ): I really don't want that to happen. It will be extremely unfair for me..You don't have my friends saying all this stuffs to you, right?

I'm not asking you to tell your friends to get a life cus I'd be doing that :D but I just need you to ignore the shit they're telling you cus they don't believe in us. Furthermore, if they're your friends, they'd respect your decision and have faith in you and I but since they don't, it goes to show how much of a friend they can be...

The Sun Is An Illusion Just Like Happiness.

So I wanna run away. Where can I go? Who do I turn to? Will this ever guarantee me safety? I don't fucking know nor am I fucking sure bout this. I had enough on just about everything. I don't know what I should do now...

Temptations are playing at the back of my head. Blurred visions of Love are all I can see now. It seems that the blue sky that lies above me subtly is just a mirage. Why must God be so cruel? I give up on him, just like the way he gave up on me. I don't see the point in praying to The Only One when He is the one who kills me.

I want to die. I want to end my life right now. I give up on everything. I think I had done so long ago. Why must things be this way? I'm sick of being accused of everything. Why? Can someone kill me? Please... )':

My Yesterdays Are Still Real To Me.

Mom is the worst creature in this world. I had never seen a beast like her. I fucking hate you and I always will. You fucking whore. People like you should rot to hell and die down there !!!

Why must she treat me this way? I did everything she had ever wanted. What is her freaking problem? It is driving me insane. And she keeps lying to me. Why? Why is she doing doing this to me? I kept giving in; doing all that I was told to do. Yeah, I did make noise in doing them but hey, at least I played my part. So how bout her? ):

She always wanna drag me down. Why? Just because her life is fucked up doesn't mean she can fuck mine up as well. Stupid bitch. I fucking can't stand her. It's so wild. Everything is totally messed up. I hate her !!!

I feel like I'm losing control when suicidal thoughts invade my mind. I wonder why I'm becoming like this. I want to die. I want to fall down adn rot here. I give up some times. I really do. Why am I going through so much heartache everyday? This is plain brutality ):

Thank God I am blessed with people like Roxanne, Cheryl, Cassandra, Natalie, Shameer and etc and of course MY ONE AND ONLY BEN. Thanks to them, especially my Ben, I manage to survive through the crashes and burns I gotta face everyday and night. My life is better with their presences. They are the life in me. Thank you so much guys. I love you...

Contemplations.

I know this doesn't sound right. But I don't think it is very fair that things are reminding me of you. Why am I doing this to the one who loves me dearly? I know I'm too blame. But I can't help but to miss the man I thought who loved me all along...

I don't need him. I just want him. Does this make sense to anyone? Why am I hurting someone different all the fucking time? And all I could do is cry my heart out pathetically. Surprising that seems to be my only forte...I don't want anyone's help for this cus I believe I can think on my own feet. I have to do something for myself once and for all...but what? ):

Carvings.

A flotilla of lonely places fill my mind. Times like this I ponder if I'm doing the right thing. Deep down inside of me feels that I'm not good enough for you. I still don't get it...Why would you wanna wait for so long? I do appreciate whatever you're doing for me. But...Maybe I'm just not used to this. Perhaps I should start adapting to you.

Let me carve your name in my heart. Let me carve your name on me. I want to carve every minute I get to near you in my head. So I can relive every little moment that we've spent together. Not nearing you just makes my nights long and cruel. I tried to be strong and live as per normal. But the moreI pretend, the more deluded I get because I'm starting to see you everywhere...

I Can Do Better.

I wanna go to a place where no one knows my name. I wanna build my life with him there. I wanna live again with him...

Love will be more than our name. Perfection lies within he and I. He knows ways to make me breathe painlessly once again. It is so easy how he seems to make living fun. But I'm dead within myself...

I know you need darkness to see make the light shine brightest. But it is not simple to endure darkness all day long. How does he do it? Can I do it too? At the end of the world, I won't be coming home. But could I? And should I? I do not know what else to do besides running away...

I sound so dumb. Silly. Stupid. Lost. Confused. But hey there are far too many roads to mislead me. I tried to grab whatever I need, but it seems to kill me indirectly. I long to know how a heartbeat feels like...

Anything But Me.

I don't wanna see the sun anymore. I don't wanna see the sky anymore. I am tired of living. Every waking moment is torturing my lungs. I am suffocating on pretense. I can't take all of this fuck at one shot. My body is aching. My mind hurts like fuck...

Why oh why do I always find my face among the ashes? I wonder what the fuck has happened to me? I wasn't like this before. I hate my life and especially them...

I am not satisfied with where I am in life. Am I supposed to be happy? I remembered times I knew how to smile. But not anymore. Those times have gone in the wind and faded among the atmosphere. My sorrow is all that I have left. I'm bruised...

I wanna hurt both of you. But it hurts me to hurt them good. WHY?!! Is it conscience or fear? Fucking dilemma. Fuck God. Fuck Him for giving us emotions. Emotions rule over us all the mother fucking time. He led his fucking heart over rule his control. He used the fact he lost control over me as a reason. Hey cheesedick, that is a fucking excuse...

Can somebody help me? I am fighting hard internally from slitting my throat and and my wrists. I want to watch my life drain out of me as it has always been every fucking day. Why am I so twisted?

I could have sworn I was the happiest shit on Earth. But that was long gone...

I love my 2nd sister and her hub. These two are the best thing in my fucking pathetic life, besides my love of course. I love them three the most. I'd die for them...Sounds like I could die for anyone now. What have I become?...Then there are people like Cass, Roxanne, Cheryl, Shameer and more whom I know really care for me.

Things were not supposed to be this way!!! Why did we even have to walk on this path that we are walking? Is it ever too late to turn and run away? Is it ever too late to live again? I'm losing too much blood day after day. I'm going insane...

Somebody help me...Please :'(

Take Me Away.

He thinks beating the shit out of me makes me a better person. She thinks shooting me with insults makes me a better person. He thinks bruising me makes me a better person. She thinks making me bleed makes me a better person.

Well I hate both of them to the bottom of my heart. As days pass me by I hate them even more. Why must they treat me like an animal? I wanna runaway and forget bout this life I thought I once knew. I wanna go to a place where it is just me myself and I. Yet this always comes in a mystical form of fantasy. Why?

God let me down. He ignored me when I called out for him. He turned away. Why? I thought he loves all of his creations. But me? Was I ever his in the first place? Even Lucifer was his initially. Well then what bout me? Why must he do this to me? Why God? WHY!!!

Happiness is gone. Smiles are faked. Conscience is pretense. There is no longer truth in their words. Especially in my mother's words. That fucking two-faced whore. I hate her so fucking much. Why must she hurt me emotionally? If that isn't enough, she needs to annoy Dad till he would whack the snot out of me!!! I FUCKING HATE BOTH OF YOU!!!

I wanna drown myself in my own sorrow. Thanks to them there is no more tomorrow. I wanna bleed to death. I wanna jump down a cliff. I can't take all of this anymore...

Please don't let me fall asleep. Violent thoughts torture my dreams. I see you wilt uglily and soon enough you fucking disappear. I see you screaming in pain. I see your face scarred in dismay. I see you regretting all that you have done. When I hold your heart in my hand, that is when you know I am God. So kiss the ring, mother fucker. It is my time, my time to shine...

The Remembrance Ballad.

I placed my hand over my chest where I had always thought hearts were meant to be. Overwhelmed by paranoia in an extremely horrible way, I could not feel any heartbeat. I thought deeply as to what had happened without my knowing. So I pondered away...

Remember the times you promised you would change? Remember the times you promised to take care of me? Remember the times you promised to make me happy? Remember the times you promised to love me? Remember the times you promised to reach out for me always? Remember the times you promised me these promises? Well please don't let me down...

It was then I realized that I had given my heart to you. This realization is a perfect thing for you and I. You raped my heart with Life and virtues that I had never understood. I barely knew you but you moved me inside out. This is when I know I need you to near me till the end of time...

Reincarnation.

I was lost. I was confused. I was a nobody is this world of faked conscience. I was bounded by darkness. Petrified of the unknown. I feared everything around me. I thought I saw a hand. And a face. I touched it. But it faded away. I prayed for it to come back. And gladly it did...

Are you one of my perfected fantasies? Are you one of my dreams? Are you one of my wishes that has came true? Are you one of my thousand lives?

You touched my heart and altered every plans I had made in my short-spanned life. You breathed into me and brought me to life. You saw the best that was in me. You brought it out and wasn't afraid to boast to the world bout us. You poured blood in me. You pumped my heart with Love and Hatred and other little things that I needed to live...

Your Guardian Angel.

Although you heard me wishing thousand of times just how much I badly want you here with me right by my side, it does not diminish the fact that I truly miss you. As time passes me by, my longing for you just grows stronger. Too strong for me to stop missing you...

This is when I know I will be everywhere you go. You always tell me I'm so distant. But you're so close to me. You are in my heart all the time. I can't promise you the world because it would be a promise that I couldn't keep. You threw all the reasons to be depressed up in the air and now I'm whole again. You filled the holes in my heart. So now I begin to fear if my heart will ever break since it is whole again. But on the other hand, I know deep down inside it is very impossible. Thanks to you and only you.

Things will be different. I will look at life at a very different perspective. No more tears to shed. No more crying alone at night on the bed. We don't even need to try. Everything is destined for us to be as one. This the part when everyone should agree with me when I say Two does becomes one eventually...

Misery Loves Its Company.

They won't break me. Not this time. Not any further. Expect change I guess. Well it is about time. Feel it. Feel the wind of transition. Accept it. They better should before it gets wilder than ever. It's not my fault anymore. I've warned them. I've done my part. Best. But not them. They have never done anything. Well they are to be blamed. Not me anymore...

I want to hold you high and steal your pain. It is so amazing how I had led my life without you before. Now that you have touched my soul you actually could reveal to me things that had never been told. I'm dazzled by your stagnant beauty. You were there, and will continue to. And likewise I'd do the same for you. It is really ironic how I'm feeling things how I was told I shouldn't feel. I'm not gonna let you go easily. I don't know how to explain but I love the way my heart feels now. Feels life. Feels you...

I'm set free. It was you who let me go and now I've metamorphosized for the best. I don't mind not being able to recognize myself in front of the mirror. And for the first time in my life, it isn't something horrendous. It's glorifying for I am now a butterfly. I want you to capture me in a bottle and I'd fly in it for you till every last breath I receive...Forever if possible...

Grass Is Always Greener On The Other Side.

I have no idea just how I should thank Sham for everything that he has said to me. Though they are just words, his words help. Alot. I really appreciate his time and effort on silly me. Thank you so very much, Sham. I really mean it. And if you were to see this, just know that I'm extremely grateful to you.

So far I have kept my promise not only to him but to a handful of good chaps...

I haven't been cutting myself silly and such. I promised I'd stop and hell yeah I did. Woot woot for it. Yay I feel so much better today.

My B is back. Although he won't stay long, at least there is comfort in knowing that he'd be round. Gosh...I never knew I'd miss everything that used to be this much. Hell it sucks...

Today was much better. I do not know why but I'm glad I feel much much much better woo hoo!!! I think it's bout time I should start focusing on my freaking studies!!! I have been slacking so very much. ARGH!!!

Lose It.

I give up. I really give up.

I want your heart to sing with pain. I want you to die in front of me. I want to you to squeal in horror as you feel I drain your life out of you. I want to torture you. I want to abuse you.

I want to give up on myself too. But I can't. I am so alone. I am so afraid. No one is there for me ): I need someone to stop me. I am getting out of control .

I wasn't so fucked up like this. Why why why???

I HATE YOU!
I WILL ALWAYS HATE YOU!!!
GO AND ROT IN HELL YOU SONS OF BITCHES!!!

Tourniquet.

I want to die...

Why must Mom & Dad treat me like this? What have I ever done to deserve this bullshit I'm getting every fucking day from my very own blood-parents? They don't understand me. And I don't comprehend them. They make my life so miserable nowadays. Why do they hate me so much? Why are they always in denial? I can't believe these are the people I used to love and turn to...

My eyes hurt so much from crying. My wrists hurt so much from bleeding. My hands hurt so much from punching the mirrors. My heart hurts so much cus everytime it becomes whole again, words smash my heart. My poor poor heart. My breathing is turning into wheezing. My minds hurt so much from these morbid thoughts in my head. I keep thinking and thinking kills me. It brings about thousand and one contradicting thoughts to me. How do I not cave in?

There is nothing new everyday. I had done my part to change and try to be a better person. But they kept taking and never giving. I can't simply back down anymore. I can't bend and break for them. Why should I?

I want to kill everyone who has hurt me. Especially my family. There is so much hatred for them in me. There are so much violent thoughts tempting me to take the knife and cut them up. As we watch the blood flowing out of their skin, I live. I am trying to hard to fight. Fight my fears. Fight for myself. Fight for those who actually love me. Fight against these black thoughts in my head. But for how long can I fight?

I want to run away from it all and start anew. But where can I go? I know I sound like a wimp now but I really can't help it. All the dear ones I truly love has gone so far away from me. Why must they leave me too? We all have to play pretend that everything is fine. Don't they know faking makes situation even worse?

I really mis my B. I miss him so much. Things are so different with him not hanging round here anymore. I guess I shouldn't be too dependent on him. But I can't help it. He always advises me and he speaks logically. I miss him so much. I wish he could see this. I really really do miss him. Life hasn't been kind to me but normally he'd be round to guide me. I feel so lost and abandoned. It's not his fault. Perhaps it's mine. It has always been mine...

CAN ANYONE HELP ME?

Origin.

Time passes me by without a single care. I stand out in the cold with wind blowing through my hair. I wonder what happened to those promises made that he would be there....

Something is definitely not right. I can feel a huge hole in my heart. And I don't even know where it came from or how it got there. Why must it always has to be me and only me? I'm sick and tired of going through my life alone. Everything is in a mess. I know I wasn't like this before. I wish I knew where I came from..Can I?

Anywhere.

I dreamt of a place where I could forget how to cry. I was flying sky-high. I remembered how happiness tasted like. There was nothing I fear. I saw you there too. You were with me. Holding my hand in yours, you stood by my side. I prayed so very hard for the moment not to disappear, but that was Life for me. I never get whatever i want....

I don't know why she must treat me like this. I know I can be a handful at times but I'm sure I don't deserve shit like this from her to this large extent. It's really ridiculous. I don't feel safe at home. So much emotional insecurities...So much bullshit...

God typing crap here feels like I'm talking to my conscience who has long abandoned me. Why?

Last Train Home.

Not even a day had went by and i missed him. When he leaves, he takes a part of me too. Maybe I need to wake up and realise that not everybody tastes fairy tale as perfect as Cinderella or Snow White. Now I know why perfection in fairy tales exist; they are tales. Tales that are never meant to go wrong. Tales that are suppose to tell you things that you wanna hear.

I wish day and night I could be with him. I had done all I could to save us. I did my best to stay alive but he drowned me. He left me here all on my own. He lied. He killed me. Two years have gone by and I thought I was gonna be fine. But hell no. I still longed for so long to hold him. Silly silly me...

There are always something different going on. How am I supposed to keep up with the pace? I feel so alone. It is as if I am abandoned here for a reason. But what the fuck is it?!!! How long does it takes for everyone to see I'm no longer breathing? I am tired of waiting in vain. Yes. I can wait. But I can't wait forever...