Laments To An Invinsible God.

Please give me all the strength to pull thru...

I really need all the might within myself to make it thru the fall. I am once again trapped in this place I dare not call Home. I have nobody to turn to. Literally. I have to face this one on my own. I do not know how things could have gone so wrong to this extreme extent...

I am staring at Fear in my own eyes as I look into the mirror. I am embracing Agony as I hold onto myself. I am engulfing Sorrow as I breathe...

I have no idea how to be strong. I have no idea how to make things better. All I can do is sit at the edge of my bed, waiting for the death of Today..

P.S: SOMEBODY PLEASE RESCUE ME. I AM FADING AWAY...

Penholder.

Life finally has a whole new meaning to it. Happiness found it way and caught me. Not by surprise, thankfully. It has been such a long while since it hid...

I dare to stand up and face the world. I am done healing. I can fly. I can run. I have broken free of me. I am alive. Still alive. But I cannot take glory for this. I would only show what he did, but I would never take the credit...

Now that I got my soul back into my body, I will take good care of it. Enough of living in the shadows. It is time to part the thick nylon curtains now. Let the sun in. The brightness is not as piercing afterall....

Faces.

So you think you are doing something worthwhile in your life?

I got no fucking idea who gave you the idea that you are holy and you are close to God. Deep down inside, I know He himself cannot wait to watch you rot in Hell. That is the only place you deserve to be.

You are so self-centered. You think everything that you do is right. You never apologize for your stupid mistakes. Your ego is way on top of your conscience. You keep adding fuel to the fire. You make nothing seems like an apocalypse. What the fuck is wrong with you?

I am so disgusted to be near you. You twisted wicked witch. You are so mother fucking ugly even without the facade and role you try to play. Tsk-tsk. I am way ahead of you, bitch.

Gawd. I try my hardest to love you. But trying to even like you is just impossible. And you made it like this. Stupid stupid stupid. What was God thinking when He created you? Perhaps a toy for the Devil to pounce on....

Circle of Life.

I stared at the girl in the mirror. She looked so ugly. I barely recognized her. Who was she?

I looked into her eyes. They were red. Blood shot red. They seemed as though they have been crying for centuries. I could see her cheekbones and literally no flesh could be tugged on her her petite face. She was so disgusting. I irked at the sight. I almost puked. Her mouth was torn. Cuts were all over her face. Perhaps due to abuse or self-mutilation. I was not sure myself....

I thought about her. I could not get her out of my mind. She lived in my dreams. She lived in my pain. My sorrow. My anger. My what nots...

I am trying so very hard to be strong. Yet, it just appears that being miserable seems hell lot easier than to be glad bout Life. I have to fight my own demons. The demons in my dreams come to Life constantly. When will they perish?

Absence either makes the heart grow fonder. That is what I hear. Yet, I think otherwise. It can make the tiny confused heart wither. Why not? It is just so hard to move on in Life without a whole heart. I pick the fragments of my shattered Happyness and hold onto it for the whole of eternity. Yet, for just one second I felt whole...

I miss the way I smile genuinely. I miss the way I laugh heartily. I miss the way I skip merily. I miss the way I jump joyfully. I miss me...

Tattooed.

I think you should know that you will always be in my heart. Oh, how I wish you can see this, my dear...

I will not miss you for you are not even gone for a minute. All I gotta do is close my eyes. And I see you. I see you being happy with me. I see you being healthy right before me. I see you, baby. I can. As painful as this sounds, I have comfort in knowing that you are in a better place by now. Without me. Without me taking care of you. Without me feeding you. Without me protecting you. Without me bothering about you. Without me playing with you. Without me looking out for you...

I just wanna take back those misspent days. And I wish I can take back those painful words I have said. I wanna hold you again. I thought I can end your pain. All I need is I one last minute, to look at you in the eye and say just how much I love you and that having you is the best thing that has ever occurred to me...

I am sorry for all the pain I caused. I am sorry the apology cannot be better, I am sorry that I did not do my part in healing you. I am sorry...

Just know that I will always love you. And no matter where you are, you will always be a part of me. My heart belongs to you, my little darling. Please take care of yourself, now that I can no longer be there with you...

P.S: IF THERE WAS A GOD, WHY HAS HE LET YOU DIE?

Reflections.

I looked down beloew despite the warnings not to. I saw. The love I had for him fell from the Heavens and crashed to the ground. I saw the fragments of my broken tiny heart. Each of those bloody pieces had memories stuck in them. I saw you smiling. I saw you laughing. I saw you being happy. I saw you caring. I saw you helping. I saw you loving. I saw you...

Soon enough, it began to rain. The sharp droplets tried to wash the jagged bloodied pieces of my heart. Instead, it cracked them even further. And again, I saw....

I saw you crying. I saw you cursing. I saw you lying. I saw you bleeding. I saw you disappointed. I saw you fading....

I miss you. I miss the way things used to be. It is so different now. Colors fade to grey. All becoming to tunnel vision. Obesssion gets in the way in loving someone. I regret. I repent. I am sorry for the things I have done. I want you back the way you used to be. Life abandons me the way Happiness had done long ago...

I have no joy. I feel nothing. Everything seems to be in a distant, especially you. I had went to the end of the line trying to make you happy. But, I guess I fail. Just like the way I fail to breathe...

So many lies swirled around me. I can breathe today. I hope, at least...

I do not know what to do anymore. I cannot trust you. I cannot believe in anyone else. I am my own nemesis against my own soul. I hate what I have done. I just wish the clock can turn around so that I can make my amendments....

I am sorry to have let you down. But, it is not like that now...It is time I will never let you go....

Truth of Your Deception.

I am literally on the verge of utter chaos and suicide...

I need to get out of this sticky mess that I had gotten into. No pun intended on that word "sticky". I hate my life so much. I hate everyone around me. I hate them hate them hate them!!!

The worst part of it all is that no one can help me. The only joy I once knew had ditched me. The only true meaning of Life abandoned me. I am naked once again. Falling down since the day I have seen the white light from the doctor's room. I have been down for so long...

I have jumped from the tallest infrastructure ever. There is no landing at all. I have fallen over and over. But, I still get to pick myself up. This time, it just HAD to be different...

I do not trust them a single bit. They backstabbed me. Pussies. Words of wisdom came out of their mouths, but they could never comprehend what they meant. Love...What is love?

I know no love. I feel no exuberance. I see no light. I recognize death. I am so weak. Even though it has been such a long time, I am still picking up the remains of my shattered hopes and dreams. Damn. There are a whole lot more to go...

Hazardous.

A wave of nausea runs through my veins. Once again, I am all over the place. Nothing is the same everyday. It is clear to me that I can never trust anyone else. Even me. Apparently, I am my own enemy. I am so disgusted by my own being...

I hate everything around me. The people I look up to just appear as mean as the demons in my sleep. I am not me at all. I do not know who to turn to right now. I am certain as hell I only got my soul to get my through the fucking day....

You are never there when I needed you most. You are never there when I needed someone to talk to. You can never be there when I needed someone to hold onto. You shrug me off, like the piling dust on your shoulder. You treat me like shit. You are no better than the rest of them. In fact, you are just like them...

I really hate to stereotype you. But, you simply hurt me every single time I need to hear me. You put words in my mouth. You intentionally have to blatantly accuse me. You just have to make me cry. You put me through so many emotions...

Perhaps it is the knowledge of knowing that I can never be apart from you. You seem to be relishing on that fact and hence, taking maximum advantage of the fucking situation. You are so pathetic without me. Your ego is way bigger than your love for me....

Everywhere I go, my problems seem to stick with me. They keep coming back for more. Why me? Why? Why? Why?

You are supposed to make things better. Make me better at least. I need a cure for this disease. I hate what I am going through right now. It is so painful. I am on the verge of destruction. Maybe suicidal is not so bad after all...

Love Me Or Hate Me.

No. You do not mother fucking love me....

Everyone knows that. Why can't you see you live to bring me down? You got nothing better to do beside making me miserable? You are worthless. I will never care nor bother bout you any longer....

Oh, how I wish you just die right now. You are the worst creature ever made. God must have been drunk when he did you. You put the blame all to Him. You brought injustice upon yourself. Spare a moment. Think, you stupid bitch. Think...

It is not bout religion. It is not bout God. It is not bout faith. It is not bout love. It is not bout trust. It is not bout hate. It is all bout logic, which you lack off by far apparently...

I hate you so much. The hatred is so immense. I cannot explain it. I really do not wish to be this way to you. But, you have left me with no choice. And when I have the bloody pitchfork in my hands, then you know who is God...

Demonology.

I am not me...

I am utterly engulfed by confusion. Paranoia messes my head. My mind is going hazy. Everything seems to be in a blur. I never thought Life could be such a bitch. I suppose it is just living up to its renowned reputation...

All the things I hate revolve around me. The more I hide, the harder it gets to breathe. I am suffocating under words of sorrow. I hate my life right now. I want to die...

I am trying so very hard to be strong for me. I am fighting with the thousand and one thoughts that keep contradicting one another at the back of my mind. I am so weak. I am withered. Life has wasted me. Temptations to hold onto the razor by my veins are so tough to fight. I cannot fend it off. Day and night, I see myself dying. In various sadistic methods....

You are the reason why I am like this. I do not intend to stay this way forever. Can anybody out there help me out?

My wounds can never heal in time. My voice is gone. My hope is crushed. My dreams lie to me. I cannot trust myself anymore. I have no one to cure this plague that I have within me. It is killing me...

I feel like I have betrayed myself. I have let myself down. I am a failure to me. I am hopeless. A goner for the soul within me. Though they may have my soul, they can never have my spirit...

I can never look at them the same anymore. They are twisted. God's damned creations are living with me. I am stuck with them. But, for now....

P.S: I HATE YOU.