Curses.

I thought she loved me. I thought she was the best thing in my life, besides him...

She is never there when I am scared. She is never there to give a helping hand. She is never there when I am lonely.

Breathe Today.

I loaded my gun. It felt heavy. Bullets were set and ready for fire. I mustered courage for one last time. I kicked the door opened. There they were...Sleeping...Dreaming...Motionless...Full of life in every breath they took...

I could not stand the sight of them being alive anymore. I pointed my gun to their heads. I pulled my trigger. I shot them one by one. I watched their lives drain out, accompanied by their blood. I had a grin plastered on my face. Satisfaction consumed me. I smiled...

Can anybody stop me before I kill again, maybe tonight?

God..What am I now? I don't recognize myself anymore. I dream more than often, only that they get wilder and wilder. I am startled by clarity. It all seemed so real. I am scared of myself. I am no longer aware of reality. I do not know the meaning of violence. Well, I didn't know initially. But now, it appears like I am God and I have lives in my hands today...

They may have bruised me. They may have broke me. They may have drained me. They may have whacked me. They may have tortured me. They may have raped me. But they still failed to kill me...

My bones are bent but not broken. They try smashing my heart with hurtful words, but it won't break. My eyes are dried but not gone; I am still alert in knowing what kind of creatures they are. My hands are running out of blood but I am still alive. Breathing is difficult for me, but at least I can still breathe.

I do not need them. Worthless monsters. I hate all of you!!

Right now, I have known who the fuck they are. I know the truth now. I know what they are now. I know Happiness now...

I still have him...He cares for me more than anyone else. More than I do for myself. He has so much love in him and I have so much to give to him...

Although he is never near me, I can feel him all around me. I love this feeling. I will hold onto what I'm feeling forever. I had never feel so alive in my life. He saved me. He really did. I give my hand to him. He can take it now. He can start to own me all that I am...

I Am Done Healing.

Stop lying to me bout caring for me. Stop lying bout loving me. Stop lying bout being there for me. Stop lying bout being forward-looking for me. Stop lying bout living...

Don't try to fix me. I'm not broken. Can't you see? Wait, what do you see? In your eyes, I'm nothing. You think I can't make it on my own. You think I can't live without you. Har-har...

Can a heart still break although it has stopped beating?

I dread breathing. I dread living. Why must it be me? I tried to be positive, but it has never been easy on me. My life is miserable. The blame is always on me. Isn't it unfair? Why must they be so cruel?

I was never like this before. What made me evolved till I'm stating to devoid humanity in me?

Wild thoughts are getting more and more vivid till I'd take a step back to figure out if they are even real. I am scaring myself. I don't know who to trust. Will I betray me?

Losing My Religion.

I'm missing him more and more as days pass me by. My addiction is getting deeper and I just came to know that my condition has worsen...

My head can't stop thinking bout him. My eyes can't stop visioning him everywhere I go. My nose can't stop smelling his sweet sweet fragrance surrounding. My mouth can't stop talking bout him and the taste of his lingers in mine now. My ears can't stop hearing his voice all the time...

Am I getting illusional as I'm seeing the love of my life in every corner in my room?

I have completely lost myself but I don't mind. I have to admit that you have conquered me wholly and I love you doing that to me. I love you so much. I thought I'd never love someone as deeply as I do for you now. It is really inevitable to deny you are the only one for me...

Try.

Reality checks in and I feel like someone just slapped my face without me noticing it. Fine. I sound extra dramatic here. But I can't help it and I'm consumed by paranoia ):

So he has to go. For a long time. Not very long, but long enough for me to go insane and brood bout it for days till I get to see him again. This won't be happening soon. But it still will be taking place. I guess I gotta prepare myself mentally that he has to go for a good reason. Well for a mother fucking pathetic one actually.

Fuck patriotism. It is taking him away from me. I know that even if he were here, it is not as if we see each other alot as well. Fuck parenthood and bla-bla ): But the though of him being so faraway from me is driving me up against the wall. What if this and what if that are flooding my mind. It won't be long till I'd go berserk...

It is a matter of trust. I do trust him. Fuck lots of faith in him have been invested. I know I won't be let down but the feeling of fear...Fear. Fear is always in the mind. And the mind is the most powerful tool in the universe. This sucks. To get over my fear is to face it. And with cowardice engulfing me, I think I'm gonna have a hard time to overcome it. I guess I just have to try...

Everything Burns.

If he were to be dolorous, I'd be the one crying my heart out. If he were to be flying sky-high, I'd be up in the Heavens. If he were to be in interminable pain, I'd be the one bleeding...

If they hurt him, they hurt me too. Why is it so difficult to leave the both of us aside? Is this what God has in stored for us a long time ago? Then I rather die than suffer every awakening moment to find out what Fate has for the two of us...

People Do The Dumbest Things...

Some of my friends are so desperate. I'd prefer to disclose names here cus though this is a "personal" blog, it is "aired" in the INTERNET. Hence, I'm aware there is absolutely NO privacy available. However, I'd use initials of certain names. If they ever come across here and feel as if they are the ones being mentioned, then so be it. I'm trying best here to be as discreet as I can so their feelings can be saved, I think.

J is so needy. I'm really astounded to know this. She really let me down. I thought she was someone I could look up to. But I guess I'm much more mature than she can ever be. I don't get it. Why must she return to D despite all the shit he has done to her? Yes, I do understand people make mistakes. But would you forgive and forget someone who has almost cost you your life, love, trust, faith, money, time and tears? -A BIG FAT NO TO ME...

Come on man...Love doesn't have to hurt. It is supposed to touch us for one time in our hearts and meant to last for a lifetime. If things don't work, then it ain't Love, honey. You two aren't made for each other. Why can't you just see? Blinded much huh...

All About Us.

Who are others to judge what's right and wrong bout you and I? Who are others to tell us what to do and what not to do? Who are others to influence us with their mere opinions?..

If they are so great and skilled in advising people, I suggest they go take a hike over there. Their lives aren't straightened out yet and they got the balls to fucking direct us how to lead our lives? What the fuck is this maddness?

Am I over-reacting? I don't think so. But I know I'm seriously upset bout this whole people-thinking-they're-right-and-others-are-so-like-whatever thing. I can't care much if some feelings are bruised here cus of my sharp words. But personally, I feel you people deserved it. This is what you fucking get for fucking poking your fucking nose in MY fucking business...

My decisions are mine and my choices are mine as well. Don't say you care of my well-being or that you're worried for me. Cus I see that more of an excuse than a reason. It is so freaking ridiculous why you are so involved in my relationship with him.

I'm heavily affected and infected with their crap cus you people are important in his life. This is why I fucking mind so deeply whatever you have to say to him, and especially bout him and I. So please...really..get a life of your own and start minding your own businesses so I don't have to be overtly annoyed and pissed off with you. Thank you for your "kind understanding."

Perceptions Are Often Misleading.

Perceptions perceptions. Tsk-tsk that word simply disgusts me. People...When the fuck will you all fucking get real? Can you define me your understanding of that word? Wait, I think better not cus I'd prolly laugh at your nonsensical logic. Let me help you by saving your face so let me say : FUCK YOUR FUCKING OPINIONS!..

Gee, I had never knew Love has conditions. Is this the new fucked up law of the 21st century or something? Cus otherwise, I think you people are full of bullshit up in your silly empty skulls. Must I work and earn decent cash before I can love a soul? Must I be at an older age of perhaps 21 or so to fall in love? Must I have my own crib to love him? Must I have my own ride to care bout someone? Must I have fredom to love anyone?

No. I don't fucking have to. What is Love? Ask yourself. Is it a necessity or a criteria?

I love him cus it is so obvious that we share a love that is a true. It is so pure and innocent. Both of us promised not to taint it with deceit, lust and whatsoever. Why is it so hard for them to comprehend the beauty of Love? Has Love been given too many bad names? But hey, that isn't our fault, but it's others who had stained Love's reputation.

And I don't care bout him cus I feel lonely. Love is not bout ending loneliness and dumping crap on your partners. It is bout being there whereever and whenever for your loved ones. It is bout always offering a helping hand before your partner has to ask. It is bout catching your partner when you see him/her falling. It is bout togetherness and pride of owning such a beautiful relationship REGARDLESS of anything else, even objections...

I don't give a shit to what people have to say bout him and I. What is most important is US!! Nothing will tear us apart. Nothing can come in between. I will do all that I can to ensure that he will always be in my sight and never out of it. It is not others who are loving him now. It is me and me only.

And hey, if you're reading this, please know that I want you to appreciate me alot cus I truly love you. Now and forever, I vow to always do that for you. I know you told me over and over that you don't care what your silly immature friends gotta say bout you and I, but please don't deny that you are affected. If you don't tell me this, I'd so know cus I believe I know you best. And I'm scared that it may pollute and confuse your feelings for me as well ): I really don't want that to happen. It will be extremely unfair for me..You don't have my friends saying all this stuffs to you, right?

I'm not asking you to tell your friends to get a life cus I'd be doing that :D but I just need you to ignore the shit they're telling you cus they don't believe in us. Furthermore, if they're your friends, they'd respect your decision and have faith in you and I but since they don't, it goes to show how much of a friend they can be...

The Sun Is An Illusion Just Like Happiness.

So I wanna run away. Where can I go? Who do I turn to? Will this ever guarantee me safety? I don't fucking know nor am I fucking sure bout this. I had enough on just about everything. I don't know what I should do now...

Temptations are playing at the back of my head. Blurred visions of Love are all I can see now. It seems that the blue sky that lies above me subtly is just a mirage. Why must God be so cruel? I give up on him, just like the way he gave up on me. I don't see the point in praying to The Only One when He is the one who kills me.

I want to die. I want to end my life right now. I give up on everything. I think I had done so long ago. Why must things be this way? I'm sick of being accused of everything. Why? Can someone kill me? Please... )':

My Yesterdays Are Still Real To Me.

Mom is the worst creature in this world. I had never seen a beast like her. I fucking hate you and I always will. You fucking whore. People like you should rot to hell and die down there !!!

Why must she treat me this way? I did everything she had ever wanted. What is her freaking problem? It is driving me insane. And she keeps lying to me. Why? Why is she doing doing this to me? I kept giving in; doing all that I was told to do. Yeah, I did make noise in doing them but hey, at least I played my part. So how bout her? ):

She always wanna drag me down. Why? Just because her life is fucked up doesn't mean she can fuck mine up as well. Stupid bitch. I fucking can't stand her. It's so wild. Everything is totally messed up. I hate her !!!

I feel like I'm losing control when suicidal thoughts invade my mind. I wonder why I'm becoming like this. I want to die. I want to fall down adn rot here. I give up some times. I really do. Why am I going through so much heartache everyday? This is plain brutality ):

Thank God I am blessed with people like Roxanne, Cheryl, Cassandra, Natalie, Shameer and etc and of course MY ONE AND ONLY BEN. Thanks to them, especially my Ben, I manage to survive through the crashes and burns I gotta face everyday and night. My life is better with their presences. They are the life in me. Thank you so much guys. I love you...

Contemplations.

I know this doesn't sound right. But I don't think it is very fair that things are reminding me of you. Why am I doing this to the one who loves me dearly? I know I'm too blame. But I can't help but to miss the man I thought who loved me all along...

I don't need him. I just want him. Does this make sense to anyone? Why am I hurting someone different all the fucking time? And all I could do is cry my heart out pathetically. Surprising that seems to be my only forte...I don't want anyone's help for this cus I believe I can think on my own feet. I have to do something for myself once and for all...but what? ):