The Forest Whispers My Name.

I close my eyes. Tears start to fall. There are so many things to cry about...

The world can be so cruel and cold, especially when I am all alone. It is worst than December winter nights. I stare at the path I have chosen. I used to think that at least there would be moonlight. There is nothing. Absolutely nothing. The trees surround me, overprotecting me. The night is starless and moonless. As usual. The ground just cannot wait to take me in. What's new?

A voice in my head tells me that I have lost you long ago. You just slip through my fingers like air. I watched you go without even realizing. You took my heart the other time and now, you took the very best of me with you too. I can't believe this is actually happening to me. It seems like I can't reach out to you anymore. Where have we gone wrong again? What have I done now? What's the matter again? Why won't you near me like before? Why can't you be gentle like the wind on my skin now? Why won't you listen to me like you used to? Why must there be so much uncertainties? Why must such insecurities and misery even exist in the first place?

I can't find a place in this world. Family is like vultures, attempting to prey on me with each move I make. Stab behind my back like I killed Halloween. Tear my heart out like a pack of wolves. Rip my skin like there is no more dinner tonight. Crush my hopes and dreams like they crush my skull in their endless beatings. Yet, I expected to be strong...

I am expected to do a lot of things that is simply impossible and unrationale for a sane human to do. I am supposed to be strong. I am supposed to make the right choices. I am supposed to give in. I am supposed to bow down to you. I am supposed to let you take advantage of me again. I am supposed to let you hit me anytime you wish. I am supposed to breathe just so you can have another day to make me cry till I bleed. I am supposed to be reasonable. I am supposed not to worry. I am supposed not to have any insecurities. I am supposed not to leave you. I am supposed not to be astray. I am supposed not to be me...

Even though it is not my fault, I am blamed. Even though it is not the words that came out of my mouth, I am penalized for life over it. Even though it is not what I meant, I am sodomized for it...

Why can't I just stop breathing? Why can't I just run away? Why can't I smile like I mean it? Why can't I stop pretending? Why can't I be strong? Why can't I be alive? Why can't I just bleed to death? Why can't I stop bleeding? Why can't I stop contradicting myself? Why can't I stop being confused? Why can't I just die in front of you?

What would you do if I slit my throat and take the secrets I kept to my grave? What would you do if I slit my wrists and take the poison that has been endlessly flowing in my system to the ground? What would you do if you know? What would you do?

Nobody gives a damn about me. Nobody ever cares about me. Everybody takes advantage of me. I am sick and tired of always feeling depressed. I just want to be normal. Somehow my wish seems out of this world. I just want to be happy too. I just want to be carefree, just like you. I just want to be cheered up, just like you. I just want you to love me, just like you. I just want to know that I got you in my life, now till the end time. I just want to know that you will never walk away with my heart again. I just want to know that you will never do me wrong again. I just want to know the truth behind your burning passion and desire for me. I just want to know if this will be all worthwhile between us. I just want to know what I don't...

You know that deep in your heart, I love you. Too much. There is nothing I would never do for you. Just name it and you got it. All I want in return is endless love for me, that will never have to make me cry and beg over it. Listen to me and be good to me. Yet, it seems to be hardest to get apparently. And I can't quite place my finger on this. You used to be...Impeccable. I felt no pain. I felt no sorrow. I felt no burden. I felt no regrets...

A part of me still believe we can work it out. I love you and you love me. Now and till the end of time. Nothing can come in our way ever again. There is nothing we have not gone through. We made it through it all before. So why not now?

P.S: I WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN WITH YOU );

Everybody's Fool.

Why must the simplest thing be hardest to get?

All I ever wanted was to stay alive. Breathe in ease. Bleed no more. Run away like the wind. Smile like I truly mean it. A heart that can never die. Yet, the odds of obtaining such simplicity are even higher than begging God for world peace. God. The cruel. The twisted. the conniving. The worst of them all. I thought He was supposed to heal me. I thought He was to strengthen me. Yet, the opposites came along...

My heart is dead. My eyes are swollen. My wrists are bleeding. My tongue is cut. My throat is slashed. My lungs have dried. My bones have broken. My limds are sawed. And I all I have left is memories of you and I in those golden days. Hope is still deep within me of knowing I can carry on forever. Faith still lingers like the ghost of you that we can make it through the night. Love still follows me like a shadow...

Ever Never.

Hiding under the cover creases will not do me any good anymore. Crying my heart out will not do me well anymore. Bleeding to death will not make me feel alive anymore...

If only each breath I exhale can erase my pain. If only each blink I make can cure me. If only each move I take can build me up. If only each tear dropped can strengthen me. If only each prayer done is answered. If only each time I die I get to live again...

I know everyone can see me. They hear me scream. They just watch. Each and everyone of them just stand there. Watching me fall. Watching me bleed. Watching me die. They think it is fun that I get whole and break down everyday and night. Sadistic dickheads...They never care. They never near. They never bother. They never tell the truth. They never love. They never treasure. They never appreciate. They never. Never...

Better Than Me.

I held the gun, trying to defend myself. I ended up shooting myself in the head...

I sat at the corner of the room, hugging my cut knees. Away from all the pieces on the floor. They reflected the light shining down on it all over the room. My feet were badly cut. So were my wrists and cheeks. My tears turned to blood. I could not stand the girl in the mirror. She was too ghastly for my sight and mind to comprehend. There was too much deceit going on. It was over whelming and so I punched my mirror. So many fragments shattered all over the floor. The mirror broke into a million pieces, just like my bones...

Nothing was ever the same. Faith has died. Innocence has been stained. Purity has been astrayed. Love has resorted to Hate...

The moonless sky stared down upon me. It refused to shine some light down on me, guiding me to the right path. Cruelty has gotten the best of it. It was not as if I deserved it, anyways. I knew I had let myself down. I knew I had been doing a truckful of killings that I should not have done in the first place. I knew I am in denial. I knew that I never knew I knew...

P.S: I KILLED THE BEST OF ME...

Paint Your Target.

I spoke to the God. He told me things. He told me a lot of things. Things that I knew that were not true. Things that I knew that were impossible. Things that the Devil had told me otherwise...

As I walk along this lonely path in the darkness, I hear haunting voices that try to scare my mind and lose my focus in wanting to stay alive. I fight back by being deaf to the evil whispers that mysteriously appear in my head. If I am not mistaken, I see you. Each time I turn my head around for I feel there is someone creeping up from behind of me, I feel you. I call out your name, but you choose to be silent. I wait. I just keep on waiting...

So I Thought.

With the gun in my hand, I think about things...

I think bout how happy we used to be. I think bout how you used to make me smile. I think bout how you used to be an angel for me. I think bout how much I used to love you. I think bout the purity we used to share. I think bout the innocence that came with that. I think bout how you used to care for me. I think bout how I used to care for you. I think bout how you promised never to hurt me. I think bout how much that was a lie...

If only the air I exhale can eradicate the immense agony I have in my system, my lungs will not have dried. If only the place I call home is not one bit hellish, I would not have been hurt. If only my heart was whole, I would not have been this empty. If only...

I lie to myself. I live in my own denial. I am my own worst nemesis. I am on the verge of self-destruction. the worst part of it all, I am all alone...

P.S: I MISS HOW WE USED TO BE...

Where Have You Gone?

Wind sends chill down my spine. I look out into the night sky. It is moonless and starless. Just still. And dead. Dead. Everything seems so dead. Yet, I wonder what makes you think I am doing fine...

How do I breathe when there is no air? How do I fly without my wings? How do I see when there is only darkness lingering near me? How do I move without limbs? How do I smile when Happiness has been eradicated from me? How do I stay cool when the sun keeps burning me? How do I near you when you keep pushing me away? How do I love you when you hate me? How do I?

I wipe my own tears. The salty water has turned bloodied. Maybe I should not have cried so much. I hug my own self to console me. Your warmth has faded away. I bleed myself to sleep. Your comfort has turned into thorns. I look into the mirror to tell myself that I am beautiful. But, what I see is a girl that I can barely recognize. She looks so withered. Sunken. Red-eyed. Bloodied. Skeletal. Frail. Full of sorrow. Pale as death. Hollow. Alone. Asphyxiated. Pain always seems to get the best of her...

The colors of my life that light up my dark world. The sun that always shines for me. The clouds that always shade me. The rain that dances me with me. The air that plays with my hair. The tree that protects me. The ground that puts my feet together. The birds that I fly with. The roses that blossom for me. The happiness that I once had. The love that I once treasured. The comfort I once knew. The company that I once enjoyed. The protection that I once owned. The defense I once got. The mind I used to have. The hand I used to hold. The lips I used to kiss. The ear I used to whisper to. Where have you gone? );

P.S: I LOST FAITH IN YOU.

I Hate This Part.

Each time I think things cannot be any worse, reality surprises me...

I have been living in denial thinking that things will be alright between us. Maybe I did so to comfort myself who has been going through countless and endless agony from all the places that I have been. I tell myself that you are always with me when in fact I have been alone all along. I tell myself that you love me when in fact I know you hate me. I tell myself that you got my back when in fact you are just waiting to watch me fall face down in the dirt. I tell myself you care a lot bout me when in fact you keep hurting me with tremendous dosage of emotional abuse. I tell myself that you are just angry at me when in fact you get mean because you are tired of me. I tell myself to be nicer to you when in fact I am adding more pain for me...

I guess I am the stupidest girl on earth, thinking that you could drown my pain away. I thought I could depend on you. I thought you could give me happiness. I thought you could be nice to me. I thought you could comfort me. I thought you could be mine. I thought we could last. I thought you could be the one for me. I thought you could end my pain. I thought I was special. I thought we were all supposed to be. I thought I could grow old with you. I thought I could walk down the aisle with you. I thought wrong...

I was everything to you. I was the world for you. I was the girl made for you. I was the one destined to be yours. I was the one who made you elated. I was the one who helped you. I was the one who was standing in the rain when I gave you my umbrella. I was the one who was burnt my the sun when I let you have shade under the tree. I was the one who was broken when I tried to protect you from any harm. I was the one bleeding when I tried defending you. I was the one who stood by your side. I was the one who gave my heart and soul to you. I was the one who patched the holes in your heart. I was the one who ended your pain. I was the one who gave you strength. I was the one who gave you the world. I was...

However, just know that I will never forget you, my best friend. I will not erase those good times that we shared. I will not shed the beauty of being able to stare into your eyes. I will not let go of the smiles you flashed me. I will not remove the joy I used to feel when we were together. You are still the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are the one that showed me a whole new world that I had never discovered. Thank you for all that you have done. You are truly the greatest joy I had ever known. It is amazing how much happiness I could experience from you. I will treasure what we have went through be it good or bad. You are really one of God's best creations, my dear. I know I will miss you greatly );

P.S: I WAS YOUR HEART & YOU ARE MY BLOOD.

Family Tradition.

I am still amazed by the fact I am still alive. I do not know how I could have gotten this far...

They co-erce me to do alot of things that I do not fancy. They force me to meet up with their expectations. Ironically, the more I conform, the worst they get. They keep taking but I had never once seen that they try to give back. They live to bring me down for some evil reasons. And I do not know why...

I scream out loud but nobody wants to near. I bleed but nobody seems to care. I cry but nobody wants to notice. I die but nobody seems to realize...

I cannot carry on living like this. The pain is over whelming. The strength is withering. I need to get my feet back on the ground. So I numb myself. It beats crying day and night. It beats bleeding forever. It beats crying myself to sleep...

P.S: WHEN WILL IT ALL END?

Alive.

Air is poison. Deoxygenated blood creeps through my veins. Lungs have scattered. Heart is broken. Blood is drained. But how am I still alive?

Every day is a war. I got no other choice but to put up a fight. Bruises are all over my body. Yet, I stay strong. The most they can do is think they can give me hell. Little did they know that I am way ahead of their game. If they knew, I would be watching their faces scarred in dismay...

Just because I smile, it does not mean I am fine. Just because I laugh, it does not mean I am not in pure agony. Just because I get on with my day, it does not mean I am alright. Just because I do not have scars on my skin, it does not mean I am not bleeding deep inside. Just because I tell the truth, it does not mean I am not lying...

P.S: YOU CAN NEVER FIGURE ME OUT, LOSERS!