Sick.

Stop pretending to be a saint. Stop pretending you do not hate me. Stop pretending you care. Stop pretending to be God. Stop pretending to do your job as a parent. Stop pretending to bother bout me. Stop pretending you are giving me fullest support. Stop it. Just stop pretending...

Your mask has fallen. Your disguise has faded. Your walls have crumbled. You are so disgusting. Just like your good-for-nothing son. The two of you deserve each other. I cannot stand the sight of you. You are the sickest person I ever met. The funny thing is you do not even know that I knew...

P.S: I HATE YOU BITCHES!

The Silhouette I Was.

I have never knew the meaning of Happiness till you carve a smile on my lips. I have never knew the meaning of Life till you breathe into me. I have never knew the meaning of Freedom till you give me wings and let me fly. I have never knew the meaning of Care till you carried the weight of the world off of my shoulders. I have never knew the meaning of Comfort and Security till you hold me tightly in your arms. I have never knew the meaning of Love till you kiss me...

I cannot think of anyone better to share this wonderful feelings with but you, my dear. You are more than a man. More than anything in this world. You are one of a kind. And I love you with all my heart. I wanna give my last breath to you. I wanna give my hand to you for a whole lifetime. I wanna grow old with you. I wanna die in your arms, darling...

Sure there are times when I feel hurt by you. Sure there are times when you feel hurt by me. Sure there are times when I feel neglected by you. Sure there are times when you feel neglected by me. But hey, it is the eternal flame in our hearts that matters most...

P.S: I WANNA MARRY YOU.

Just Maybe.

I closed my eyes. I saw you. My mouth kept shut. I screamed at the top of my lungs. But, you refused to listen...

*Sigh*

When will it be time for you to grow up? When will it be time for you to understand? When will it be time for you to learn? When will it be time for you to realize? When will it be for you to open your eyes? When will it?

Maybe after I walk out of that door, you would. Maybe after I turn my back, you could. Maybe. Just maybe...

Speak.

Do not play me with your silence...

What is the point of hurting me first, then try to apologize? What is the point of killing me, then try to revive me? What is the point of watching me fall, then try to save me? What is the point of drowning me, then try to resusitate me? What is the point? What is your point?

You, of all people, you...

I cannot believe you have to do this to me. What the fuck is the matter with you? Are you that blind to my love for you? Are you that ignorant to my pain? Are you that defiant to my cries? Are you that way? Are you?

So I Thought.

What would you do if I were to tell you the things my heart has been screaming day and night? What would you do if I were to show you all of my scars? What would you do if I were to kill you the way you killed me?

I thought you could be the best. I thought you could be trusted. I thought you could treat me right. I thought you could care. I thought you could be bothered. I thought you could be nice. I thought you could make a difference. I thought you could stand out of the norm. I thought you could help me out. I thought you could not stake my heart. I thought wrong...

You are so mother fucking lucky that I am not doing you the way you are doing to me. This is why we can still be together. Otherwise, you are so far gone like a firefly without a light. Come on. I just wanna love you. Why must you keep making it hard to do?

P.S: I THINK I SHOULD TREAT YOU ALIKE.

Beauty of Happiness Murdered Me.

Happiness is such a cruel torture device that God has intended for our hearts to suffer...

Why am I so deluded? Why am I so trusting? Why am I so stupid? Why am I so in denial? Why am I so blind? Why am I so weak? Why am I so silly? Why am I so fragile? Why am I so broken? Why am I so breathless? Why am I so filthy? Why am I so useless? Why am I so worthless? Why am I so dependant? Why am I so cut up? Why am I so alone? Am I too kind? Am I too nice? Am I too forgiving? Am I too soft? Am I too dead?

I wonder. I just sit and wonder. I wonder about a lot of things. I feel like I do not know myself anymore. I do not know how I am supposed to feel. I do not know what to believe now. I look at the mirror and it breaks into a million of pieces. I do not know if that is an omen or not. I do not know a lot of things...

Why can't everybody even you leave me alone?

I am so exhausted from Life. It requires so much work. Who knew Life could be such a bitch? And to think I am supposed to believe in a God that does not listen nor help. What a joke. God is so conniving. He creates me for nothing, dumps me on this barren heath and watches me suffer from up above. I bet he is having fun right now. Mother fucker. You know what will be funny? It is when I stuff my foot down your throat and see what you are going to do about it. Or how about I stuff my foot up your asshole? Which do you prefer, cheesedick? Bastard. YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!! And if God could be like this, how bout mere human beings that are so full of weakness, hatred and hypocrisy? Shit fuckers...

Evil. Everyone is evil. No one is nice. No one. Not even you. You love to watch me fall. You love to put salt in my opened wounds. You love to hurt me on purpose. You love to go against me. You love to stab me from the back. You love to give me false hopes. You love to crush my dreams You love to make me cry. You love to see me convulse in agony. You love for all the wrong reasons...

What is Life? I got no idea what that is anymore...

Can you just stop the games you are playing now because I am very tired? Can you put a bullet in my head so that I can stop thinking why I am a born loser? Can you stab me in the face so that I do not have to see myself in pain again? Can you push me over the ledge so that I can take one last horror of Life before I go to Hell ? Can you slit my throat so that I can take my secrets with me? Can you watch me fall so you know what I mean?

P.S: Can you let me?

Red Sam.

Here I stand. Empty hands. I wish my wrists were bleeding. So that I can stop the pain from the beatings...

I tape my windows and doors to sound-proof my world. I splash dark paint all over these four walls. I look at my bed. The cover creases have been stained in red. It was not paint. I look away in disdain. I sit at a corner. I cry my heart out. I scream as loud as I can. Nobody can hear me. Nobody wants to near me...

I take the blade and start to slash all part of me. Yet, I refuse to die. I refuse to drain my life out. I can only afford to bleed. I refuse. I refuse. I refuse. Why?

I should have known better. It is you, sweetheart. You are the reason why I still wanna hold my head up high and smile. You are the reason why I still wanna get my feet on the ground and put up a fight. You are the reason why I still have oxygenated blood in me. You are the reason why I love you...

P.S: I WANNA LOVE YOU TILL THE END OF TIME.

Outta My Head.

When will you get out of my life?

I am sick of having violent morbid images playing over and over at the back of my head. It seems like the more I do not talk about it, the more impossible it gets for me to be normal. I am tired of seeing blood everywhere. I am done...

Will it all end when I shoot you right in the head? Will it all end when I stab you in the face? Will it all end when I piss at your deathbed? Will it all end if I end my life?

Everyday.

We have grown old with time. We have come so far to understand things that nobody can. There are so many tears have been shed. So much pain has been erased. So many smiles seen. So much joy felt. So much freedom known. So many beautiful memories created with your hand in mine...

You are a part of me. You will always belong to me. You are safely locked in my well-fixed heart. You are the one I have been searching for. You are the man in my dreams when I was a little girl. You are the angel who has been watching over me. Your love for me is bigger than this world and you are greater than God himself..

It is such a wonderful feeling to have found my lifeline at such a ripe age. I am so glad that it is you that I am sharing my precious moments with. I cannot think of anyone better to spend these happy times with...

P.S: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN TODAY & I MISS YOU MORE THAN I DID YESTERDAY.

Nymphetamine.

You are just like a pill; instead of making me better; you are making me ill. You are indeed my drug and I am the abuser...

Your eyes are meant to look after me. They are not to burn the soul that is inside of me. Your lips are supposed to kiss me tenderly. They are not to hurt me with those mean words that I never knew existed. Your hands are made to hold me tight through those cold nights. They are not to beat me senseless. Your heart is meant to make me whole. It is not to break me into a million pieces. Your mind is to think of ways to be a better person for me. It is not to think of other ways to tear me apart. Your head is to replay our beautiful memories created. It is not to be a weapon onto mine...

My eyes are meant to look after you. They are not to shed so much tears till blood start to stain my cheeks. My lips are supposed to kiss you tenderly. They are not to quiver in fear. My hands are made to hold you tight through those cold nights. They are not to be sliced. My heart is to make you whole. It is not to be full; only to know that it will be shattered in time to come. My mind is to think of ways to be a better person for you. It is not to be hurt of so many unanswered questions of why you have to treat me this way. My head is to replay our beautiful memories created. It is not to be banged against the wall till my skull cracks...

I need you more than anything in this world. You are the reason why I wake up in the morning. You are why I breathe. You are why blood is still flowing in my veins. You are why I found myself again. You are why I am who I am today. You are why I smile. You are why I laugh. You are why I feel safe. You are why I feel belonged. You are why I know what Love is all about...

Come on. Show me the man who is more than an angel that is incarcerated in you. Show me the man who means the world to me. Show me the man who is far more greater than God himself. Show me the man who I am living for. Show me the man who I cannot live without. Show me the man who I wanna grow old with. Show me the man who is the only one for me. Show me the man who truly loves me. Show me the man who I have been waiting for all my life. Show me you...

P.S: I STILL LOVE YOU.